Moving Day.

Sunday, July 14, 2013

So I guess today is the day you learn my real it is the title of my NEW BLOG!
What?! I KNOW

Starting fresh from blog scratch...but really looking forward to it. 

Hope you come by and say hi! Even if only to tell me I'm crazy to do this all over again. :)

I just vomited.

Thursday, May 16, 2013

I'm posting this because if I had to have these images seared into my mind, so must you:


I'm not sure what I'm most horrified about:

a.) Kim Kardashian's imminent loss of circulation

b.) Julianne Moore's Great Toe Escape of 2013

c.) That I actually had this convo with myself in my head:  "If I ABSOLUTELY HAD to choose to have one of those feet as my own, which one would I choose?"

Dear Me.

Saturday, May 11, 2013

Hi 16 year old McMommy,

It's me....future you.
McMommy in her young 30s.

Young 30s-ish.

Mid-30s doesn't hit until next Tuesday at 3:36pm when I/you officially turn 35.
We'll deal with that little fun fact later.

Stop leaning in to see if I/you have eye wrinkles and saggy boobs.
It's the year 2013 now and those can all be dealt with easily.....IF I have them.
Call me one of the Real Housewives husbands...they are all plastic surgeons.

Aren't you cute.

Moving on.....

So here's the thing.....what's it like again?
To be you.  Like that.
All bill-less and worry-less and responsibility-less.
Remind me because those years seem so long ago.

Remind me of what it was like to get excited about the upcoming summer vacation.

Because right now when I hear "summer vacation", sadly all I can think about is the cost of summer camp and how in the world I am going to swing a few days off of work so I can take the boys on a little summer vacay trip.

What?  Oh yeah, you have two kids.
Boys actually.

Remember when you thought you were going to have two girls and play Barbies and dress up and get manicures together???  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
No, you had TWO BOYS!
And now you play Skylanders, decipher wordless Lego directions, and say things like "We do not say fart at the dinner table."

But you love those boys more than anything.
And you will literally use your last dollar to buy them that Skylander they want so bad.

So did you sleep in today?
I seem to recall you/me used to sleep in until noon on the weekends.

LOL.  Noon.

These days noon means you are two meals in already and the boys are asking "What are we going to do NEXT?"

And if you don't come up with a good enough reply in the next 2.2 seconds?
It will quickly be followed by the dreaded "I'M BOOOOOOOOOOREDDDDDD."

But you still love those boys more than anything.

Oh and by the way....even though you/I wake up at the crack of dawn with these boys?

That doesn't mean you actually slept the whole night uninterrupted.
You are so adorable with all your assumptions about how you think life is going to turn out.

No, even though you wake up at the most likely were woken up at night for:

a.) Scary dream
b.) Mommy, my legs hurt.
c.) I need water.
d.) Are you awake, Mommy?
f.) Is it time to wake up yet, Mommy?
g.) all of the above
h.) all of the above but at separate times throughout the night

So, if I could give you one piece of advice, it would be this:

Hold onto 16 as long as you can.
Changes come around real soon, make us women and men.

Wait.  That's John Cougar Mellencamp's advice.

My advice to you is this:

Sleep way past noon.

Stop stressing about SATs.  You didn't score as high as you wanted to and yet you still got into every college you wanted to.

Travel more.

The flaming cucaracha shots in Cancun will not burn your mouth.

Sleep way past noon.

Don't do what you think you should do.
Do what you want to do.

Listen to John Cougar Mellencamp's advice.
For a year anyway.
Then you turn 17.
Jack and Diane are right....Life does go on.

And then before you know it?
Your kid actually sleeps in on a Saturday.....

All the way until 7:32am.

So listen to me very carefully......stop reading this right now, 16 year old McMommy.


Are you smarter than a kindergartner?

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Last week on Instagram, I posted this pic and caption:

You thought I was kidding?   People of the Internet, I give you......the PROBOSCIS:

When I was in kindergarten, I guarantee you I did not know anything about how to diagram a honeybee, let alone what the heck a proboscis is.

Let's be clear, I'm in my mid-30s now and I still do not know what it is.

No, I will not tell you how many times I had to rewind that video to try and understand what word he was saying, then try to Google said word.  I was so tired after that, I gave up on the second word he said.  Glossum or something like that.  Which, according to him, is like a synonym for the first word he said.

This is getting embarrassing.

The only bee I could tell you about when I was in kindergarten was this guy and why I didn't want to see his face anywhere near my breakfast table.

Love you forever, Lucky Charms.  No one compares to you.  No one.

p.s. I still don't know how to pronounce it.  Prometheus or whatever.

p.p.s. Don't tell Carter that I don't know how to pronounce it.
.....Or that I hid a box of Lucky Charms in the back of our freezer behind the frozen veggies so no one can find them.  Except for me at 3am.

Call Matt Damon cause I have some apples.

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Sometimes I get into a non-writing rut.

And when that happens, I just let Pinterest write for me.

Confession: I really want to end every post now with this pic.

Paint War Gender Reveal

Saturday, April 27, 2013

This past month, life has been going along and I really haven't felt inspired to blog much.

And then...I see this pin on Pinterest:



I'm pretty sure by now everyone has heard about the "gender reveal" phenomena that has been sweeping the nation. If you haven't, google that right now.  We'll wait for you to see the pics of the parents-to-be opening boxes with pink balloons streaming out and the cakes with the blue frosting that ooze out of the center when you slice into them.
Oh but it's about to get a lot better.
Two words for you:  PAINT WAR.

The "PAINT WAR gender reveal" is all sorts of awesome.
It makes the "It's a boy!" phone call I made to my friends and family back in the day seem soooooooo nine years ago.

Let's examine this phenomena closer, shall we?

So the pregnant couple goes into their doctor appointment, after a quick stop at Home Depot I assume, and unload their quarts of blue paint, pink paint, white unmarked empty bottle, and paint stirrer in front of the doctor.

Ok, I don't know if they really bring a paint stirrer.

I just took the liberty of adding that item in because the paint stirrers are always sitting there at the paint counter, like take me home, I'm free.
So you throw like six of them in the bag.
And the Home Depot guy gives you a look.

Anyway......back to our story....

Aisle Four of Home Depot is now located in exam room #2 of your ob/gyn's office.
In my mind, this is how it goes down:

"Doctor, I know you are extremely busy with the business of birthing babies all day long but we need your help. You see, we would like to do a gender reveal paint war photo shoot!!  As such, we will need you to please choose the paint that correlates with the sex of the baby and put it into the white bottle. Please be careful that NOT A DROP OF PAINT gets ANYWHERE on the outside of the bottle.  Because that would ruin the purpose of our gender reveal paint war, of course."

"A....gender reveal....paint....war."

"Yes. It's all the rage on Pinterest right now."

"And you want me to squeeze paint into this white bottle.  Because.......?"

"Because are going to blindfold each other and then squirt the paint all over each other, all while being carefree and laughing giddily and being photographed! Naturally, we will remove our blindfolds at some point and see...we are having a boy! Or a girl! It's going to be SO adorable."

"Right. So you are telling me you are going to squirt this paint all over each other. And make a mess of yourselves."

"An adorable mess."

" And by whatever color you are slimed in, that's how you tell the sex of the baby."

"Yes, that's right."

"Well, this is sheer brilliance.  Consider me on board. Nurse, call Labor & Delivery and tell them I'll be a little late.  Now, pass me a paint stirrer.....or six. I can hardly wait to see how the pictures turn out. I'm sure they will be a timeless keepsake!"

Be jealous.

Friday, April 5, 2013

You know what's awesome?

~When you essentially do not sleep the entire night.....and when the alarm goes off at 6am, you have a little 6 year old standing in front of you telling you they are "so itchy".
Because truly....what is more awesome than waking up to red rash all over your child's chest, back and face when you are on two hours of sleep?!

~That I'm about to watch a Dateline episode (I recorded last night) while folding a severe case of laundry.
The episode topic?
A guy goes missing, but his friends and family receive texts from him saying he's "ok" and just had to "figure some things out"......
They find out the texts were not coming from him at all!!
It's so scary awesome when your real life mirrors a Dateline episode.   #BringMattHome

~That I couldn't tell you which is the before and which is the after of Real Housewives of Orange County Vicki Gunvalson's face:

And know what's awesome?

When you are sitting at your desk wolfing down a PB&J sandwich......

...and your girl crush Sophia Vergara instagrams a pic of HERSELF eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich!

And you are sitting there all ME TOO, SOFIA!!  

Who writes blog posts at 3am?

Thursday, April 4, 2013



Well, sometime around 2am, Matthew woke up screaming "MOMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!" at the top of his lungs.

I bolted up in bed as if someone had sounded the fire alarm. I fly into his room and he is sitting up in bed, telling me he heard a car horn.
He’s also half-asleep.

So I tuck him back in, go back to my bed, and am now lying here WIDE AWAKE.
And listening for car horns.

2am turns into 3am.

And hello,what is with ALL THE RANDOM THINGS that run through your head at 3am???

“I wonder if he really did hear a car horn?  Well at least he wasn’t waking me up to tell me he was sick. Strrrrrrretchhhh. I should really take a yoga class one day. Bethenny Frankel has those weird yoga toes though.  I don’t want those.  Did I return the field trip form back to Carter’s teacher?   What should I make for dinner tonight? Maybe I should just get up and make the kids’ lunches now and get that over with. How many more days this week do I have to make lunch? What day is it even today?  I still can't believe Heidi Klum rescued her son and two nannies from an undertow. Those pictures are insanely incredible.  Am I hungry?  I think I want a bowl of Lucky Charms.  I'm pretty sure I did return that form to the teacher.  WAS THAT A CAR HORN?” 

Now it’s 4am. 
And I’m here writing a post I had no intention of writing when I went to bed last night. 

Once you have kids, you never sleep blissfully unaware ever again, do you?

p.s. The bowl of Lucky Charms was SO GOOD.  Cereal tastes even better at 3:40am.

Can't Live Without My....{under $20 beauty edition]

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Here is what I'm loving lately.....and bonus???  All under twenty bucks! we go!   I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT MY.......

Smashbox Limitless Eyeliner in Onyx Black $19.99
I've never owned an eyeliner that glides on like this.  LIKE BUTTAHHHH, I tell you!
Love.  I'll be a fan for life.

Sonia Kashuk Foundation Brush $14.99
Confession: I've never used a foundation brush before now.  However, when I was in the market for a new foundation a little while back, the girl at MAC applied foundation to my face with a brush.
W-O-W what a difference! Made my skin seemed airbrushed.
I was sold...but not enough to pay $40 just for a brush (which, I know, I normal for makeup brushes.  But STILL, it just doesn't sit right with me!)  Then one day I saw this one at Target and thought I'd give it a  Well, just look at the title to this post.

Nuance Salma Hayek AM/PM Anti-Aging Super Cream $19.99
Let me just tell you right now, I have zero loyalty to any cream out there.
I think it is because I'm a cream fanatic and I always think there is something possibly better than whatever empty bottle I just finished and tossed into the trash.  Well, this cream?
I bought at CVS....three times in a row now.  So I think that means something.
It makes my skin feel silky smooth, doesn't feel too heavy or too light, and smells divine.
The only thing that bugs me is that "Salma Hayek" is in the name.
I hate buying anything that has a celeb name tied to it.  What's next for me?  Lady Gaga perfume?  Ew.

Smashbox Lip Gloss in Pixel
I know.  It's not the fabulousity that is nipple cream lip gloss (now THAT'S a story for the new readers here) but it's a close second for me.  Little known fact about me:  My co-worker claims she always knows when I'm having a really stressful day because it's the only time I don't re-apply my lip gloss.  Hi, my name is McMommy and I have a lip gloss re-application addiction.
ANYWAY, this color is a great neutral that I can wear alone or over a lip stain....which brings me to my next product......

NYC Lip Stain $4.99

I've yet to meet a color I don't like in this collection. (Confession: Although I've never tried that dark one on the end.  And I never will.  Too dark for me, I bet.)  Bonus?  These lip stains do not dry out my lips!

CVS Facial Cleansing Brush  $19.99
All this makeup know what your face NEEDS???  A good scrubbing.
The CVS facial cleansing brush is a knock off of the Clarisonic one (I'm too lazy to spell check that) but I've never used the Clarisonic one so my face doesn't know the difference.
But my wallet does.
Spending $150 for a face spinny brush isn't in my cards right now but I will gladly use this knock-off because it works so well!  Just a dab of my facial cleanser on it and boom....the magic begins.
My face feels so clean afterwards, as if those bristles have scrubbed out every last pore.  
A little smear of Salma Hayek cream (Ew! I still hate celeb names in my products!) afterwards and my face feels like it's in heaven.

Let me know if you have any products YOU can't live without....I love a good recommendation!

Because who doesn't love a 1960s secretary?

Thursday, March 28, 2013

So Matt got fired when they found out his kidneys weren't stolen.

I know. It was a letdown for all of us.

But his firing left a vacancy at the front desk and it was causing a lot of stress on the office so my co-worker and I volunteered to help out.

I'd like to say it was out of the goodness of our hearts but that would be a lie.

Her:  "Oooh!  LET'S COORDINATE OUTFITS! Secretary style!"

Me:  "OMG! YES! Pencil skirts?"

Her:  "As if you had to ask."

Me:  "We need nude pantyhose. That we bought in an egg-shaped container."

Her:  "Let's pull our hair back and wear our glasses."

Me: "I'm going to carry a folder around in my arms all day.  And pretend to take notes every time people talk to me."

Her:  "We should offer people coffee when they come in."

Me:  "Squeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!   This is going to be the most fun Monday EVVVVAAAA!!!"

So Monday rolls around......
We got nothing done in regards to our real everyday work.  
However? Front desk style? We killed it.

We even offered coffee to the FedEx guy.

At the end of the day, we decided to send a survey to the office.

1.  How stylish do you think the front desk was today?
a. Very stylish
b. Extremely stylish
c. Like a runway at NYC Fashion Week.

2. Did you receive calls transferred to you?
a. Yes, and the person who transferred it to me was so upbeat and friendly!
b. Yes, and it was an absolute pleasure to receive the calls from the front desk!
c. All of the above.

3. How well did the customer service representatives at the front desk listen to you?
a. Extremely well
b. Very well
c. I felt like I was talking to Oprah.

4. How knowledgeable were the customer service representatives at the front desk?
a. Extremely knowledgable
b. Very knowledgable
c. Rocket scientists come to mind.

5. How helpful were the customer service representatives at the front desk?
a. Extremely helpful
b. Very helpful
c. Not only helpful, but so STYLISH!

We weren't asked to help out again.
Clearly, we should have asked the FedEx guy to take the survey instead.


Wednesday, March 27, 2013

I held up my end of the deal.  I love it when I actually follow through!

Ok, here goes....

My best friend and I took our first vacation together IN YEARS....and we went over to a tiny island in the Bahamas where my sister lives.  It was the island's annual James Bond Casino Royale party so hey why not???

The flight over was one of the best ever. I brought the sombrero as a prop for the harlem shake video we planned to film later on in the trip.  However, everyone and their mother ended up wearing that sombrero. Because much fun is a gigantic sombrero???

And how much fun is it to dance on the runway with the hotel manager while wearing a gigantic sombrero?  Just ask that guy above.

And in case you were ever wondering if pigs swim?
There you go.
Little big island piggies will swim right up to your boat to look for your food scraps.
I didn't feed any pigs though.  No way.
Swine flu = no bueno.  (that was sombrero font)

Bond girls....your mission, should you choose to accept it, is a white dress, some major attitude, and some major bling.
Mission accomplished.....with a special shout out to E! Live From the Red Carpet SEQUIN SHOES!
I've never known what it feels like to be a celeb until that evening.
The yacht club was totally decked out in sheer curtains, vintage Bond posters, overflowing champagne, and blackjack and roulette tables as far as the eye could see.
Then, at 9pm, they had us...the Bond girls....arrive.  We walked through the front door and all immediately struck a pose with our guns.
And the crowd went wild.
Everywhere we walked that evening, someone asked if they could take their picture with us.
There was even a step-and-repeat on the red carpet and you KNOW I rocked some Melissa Gorga poses. For funsies. (thank you baby jesus, kiss my own hand, and look up at the sky)

A checkerboard painted on a picnic table with beer caps for checkers? Check.
Dogs swimming with sharks?  Check.
People swimming with sharks and liquid courage?  Check.
Sombrero?  You know it.

AND FINALLY...........

Bestie and I are sitting at the bar one evening and she looks at me and informs me that Don Johnson is sitting across from us.  I didn't believe her, because the man sitting across from us looked like this:


However, it was confirmed true by many many sources.

I tried so hard to take an inconspicuous pic for you all but failed miserably.  However, as he walked back to board his boat, I was able to grab this shot:

I like to picture him saying "TUBBS, THE DRUGS ARE THAT WAY!" when I look at that pic.

Let me tell you all about it..kind of.

It's always so hard to write the first post after a vacation.

Because it always starts off with me writing like this:


And then I try to reign it in.

So I sit here.....

......just staring at a blank screen.......

......staring, staring, staring..........

........trying to think of a normal way to write about my vacation.

Then I get all distracted.
By my intellectual reading. Ahem.  
(OMG how adorable is that Harper with her brown tights and Mary Janes?  Also...Victoria's clutch.  Die.  I looooove a clutch.)

Ok, ok.  So trying to about I just share some pics and we call it a day?

I'll have a post up later with all the pics.  No distractions until that post is up, I SWEAR (ish).

Triple S weekend.

Friday, March 22, 2013

This weekend I am leaving a jet plane with my best friend for a little mini-vacation of sun, sand, and sauvignon blanc.

And these shoes are coming with me:

Did I really buy shoes made by E! Live From the Red Carpet?  
Did I really just tell the world I BOUGHT shoes made by E! Live From the Red Carpet?
Why, self?

I'll have all the details for you soon!
In the meantime, you can always follow our island travel adventure on Instagram, of course.  

See you soon!

So THIS is what happened.

Thursday, March 21, 2013

So I popped over to my parents' house to say hello one evening after work and find everyone like this:

And when they see me walk in, everyone screams:


To my surprise, it wasn't because they wanted to take in and admire the awesome-ness of what was my outfit that day.

Although they should have.

Because hello beautiful turquoise scarf???!!! 

No, it was because one of the diamonds in my sister's wedding band went flying after she caught her ring on the edge of the outdoor table.

Being the kind of person I am, I immediately sprung into action.
And began shouting encouraging and helpful advice like:  "OMG!!!!  IT COULD BE ANYWHERE!!!!  You will NEVER find it!!"

When suddenly I stepped forward and heard a crunch.


Good news?
I did not crunch my sister's diamond.

Better news?
My sister found her diamond.

Astonishing news?
She found it in the mulch.

Next to a bead of Miracle-Gro fertilizer.

Can we all pause and reflect on this insanity for a moment?????

It was literally like watching the expression "Like finding a needle in a haystack" come to life right before your eyes.

I immediately swooped in, wrapped the ring and the loose diamond in my turquoise scarf, and carried it like a sick bird to the nearest emergency room.

Or poured myself a glass of wine.

I can't remember exactly.  It was definitely one or the other though.

What Happened?

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

So this happened:

Any guesses as to what this was about?

The Office.

Sunday, March 17, 2013

My current job is pretty great, but mostly because of the people I work with.
Take last week for example.

Monday, March 11th
As I walk back to my desk, I turn to my co-worker and say "There's a secret message in the bathroom for you. Good luck finding it."

After extensive looking, she finds it.
I had written "Hi" in the 3 inch layer of dust that was accumulated on the artwork frame hanging on the wall.

She replies: "There's a response to your secret message in the bathroom for you.  Good luck finding it."


The hiding location was brilliant. 
Only problem was that secret message had somehow gotten stuck.
And required a rescue team to dismantle it out.

Awkward moment:  Passing our manager in the hall on our way back to the desk as we tried to hide the toilet paper holder from his sight in order to begin Operation Free the Message.

Operation Free the Secret Message in effect.

Tuesday, March 12th
I do the Harlem Shake all around my co-worker while she tries to have a serious conversation with a lender.

Wednesday, March 13th
Which is extremely not like him.

We immediately fear the worst.  Co-workers and I refuse to work until he is found.

CSI episode begins (in our heads).

After much debate, we decide on our detective names.
My name will be Esperanza and my co-worker's name will be Geneva.
We think the names sound very foreign and worldy and mysterious.
And not detective-like at all but who cares.

We remember Matt is missing.

We call all the emergency numbers Matt has.  No one answers.  We start to get suspicious.

Geneva googles his address.  And discovers.....GASP!  It's a fake address!!!!!!

Oh wait.  It's a UPS store.  So maybe it's a PO Box or something.

All this detective work is making Esperanza hungry.  We declare we must pause our investigation as it is important to nourish ourselves.  We'll resume after lunch and a break.

While Geneva works on looking through mug shots on the local police website, Esperanza pens a song called "Remember Matt".
It is sung to the tune of "We Are The World".
Esperanza sings it for Geneva, a la Celine Dion, holding her pretend earpiece while she belts out the tune.

More theories start getting thrown out:   "He was drugged last night and woke up on a bed of ice in a hotel room. He is missing a kidney now."   We agree to think about donating him one of ours.

Still no Matt.  The case is as cold as the ice in the hotel bathtub that he may or may not have woken up on.

QUITTIN' TIME!!!!  Good luck, Matt, wherever you are!

Thursday, March 14th

{Esperanza texts Geneva:}
"OMG. ARE YOU AWAKE?  WAKE UP!!!!!!!!!  News is reporting that a body washed up on shore this morning. Young male in his 20s.  They cannot id him because HE WAS NAKED!!!!!!!"

"OMG. Did he have kidneys?!?!?!"

Esperanza and Geneva determine a missing persons report must be called in.  

Esperanza and Geneva freshen up their make-up.  You know, just in case the cops need to take a statement from them. In front the news camera crew.

"Should we wear a ribbon or something? Maybe tie it to trees around town? Like to remind people of Matt."
"We totally should. Maybe with a slogan like 'Bring Matt Home'. "
"What color should the ribbon be?"
"What color matches what we are wearing today?"

Still no cops.  Or media.



"Maybe we should try texting Matt one more time."

{Geneva's text to Matt:}
Matt, we have called the police and are about to file a missing person's report.  If you receive this text and are ok, please just text back.  Also, please let us know if you need a kidney."

OMG HE TEXTED BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

{Matt's text to Geneva:}
"I'm fine.  I just quit."

"What a letdown."
"This is the worst ending ever. How boring."
"I wrote that song for nothing."
"Does this mean we have to work again?"



So yeah.  This week ahead should be fun......

Choices, choices.

Saturday, March 9, 2013

Remember Choose Your Own Adventure books?
Where you got to choose what happened at the end of each chapter?

The only adventure this guy should choose is which is the way to the nearest manicure.

Pack your bags, friends.
Because today?
You are going on a Lemon Chicken Adventure!

If you choose the Martha Stewart way to make this chicken, go to page 34.

If you choose the McMommy way to make this chicken, skip to page 78.

Friday Nonsense.

Friday, March 8, 2013

1. I hope someone around here has been going around checking all the elevators because of what a ghost town this blog has been!!  Good news?  I'm here.  Bad news?  It's Friday.  Which probably means you are going to lose me again for days on end as I slack off into the weekend.

2. What do we think about Jessica Simpson accidentally revealing she is having a baby boy?
And supposedly she is naming him "Ace".
Her's daughter's name is Maxwell.
Ace and Max.

Reminds me of only one thing:

3. Is it just me or does this seem a little advanced for kindergarten?

4.  I'm so disappointed in the Today Show lately.
Watching Savannah is like watching vanilla ice cream.
Matt Lauer is almost never on anymore, even though I heard he signed some huge contract for like $25 gazillion dollars a year to stay on.
Al Roker is Al Roker.
Natalie Morales even makes me yawn now.  
The whole vibe there is completely messed up.  And feels forced.
And I just think I fell asleep from boring myself talking about their boring-ness.

5. So this is happening on Pinterest:

Onions stored in pantyhose will last as long as 8 months.
27 ways to make your groceries last as long as possible.

You're welcome, people of the world who need to store onions for 8 months.

6. Somewhere right now, a kindergartner just read this post and cursed me for dumbing him down.

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