Brain Potpourri

1. I bought Milano cookies the other day, completely excited to tear into the bag. I haven't had Milanos in FOREVER. I poured a glass of milk, dove into the bag, took that first bite.....and.....meh. So I had one more just to make sure.
Still meh.
Did you change the recipe on me, Pepperidge Farms? Because I think you did. Those cookies used to be mouth-watering-cannot stop-must eat the whole bag-type of cookies. What a disappointment.

2. I don't want you all to hate me but my christmas cards are FINISHED.
Like finished finished.
Like I have them in my hand and can't stop staring at them finished.
And ohhhhhhhhhhhh.....they are AWESOME!!!
You know I will share it with you eventually. I can't keep this type of fabulosity to myself.
{what? Is that bragging? Sorry. But I'm in love with my card this year. Amy from Doodlebug Dezigns once again made my vision a reality!! This year's card is the most original card I have ever done.}

3. Paprika's hideous collar is gone. I have no clue who removed it. But Rika is SO much happier without it. It was like she practically skipped to my back door to show me her newfound freedom from the fashion crime that was that dumb bandanna/collar.

4. Can someone please tell me why my skin has been breaking out like a teenager lately? Is this what my 30s is bringing me?!

5. I forgot how wonderful baking pumpkin bread makes the house smell. Now if only we could get weather below 80 degrees and then it would really start to feel like fall.

6. You know the famous quote about the two things in life you can be certain of? {Death and taxes} Well, whoever said that forgot the third thing in life that you can always be certain of:

Because it is without a doubt, GUARANTEED, that when you go to run just one quick errand....dressed in terrible, mismatched clothes and without a stitch of makeup on....and you say to yourself "I'll be quick. I doubt I'll run into anyone.".......YOU WILL.

And it will be someone you haven't seen in a LONG time.
And there is nowhere to hide.
She will run smack into you, in all your mismatched, makeup-less, 30s zit-fest glory.

Damnit. I hate it when that happens.

Working To Death.

I think it's hilarious when people ask me "How's work going?" with a sympathetic tone in their voice. Like "Oh poor you." As if they feel sorry for me.

They can spare me their pity. Because honestly? WORK IS AWESOME! I'm loving it. Going to work is completely enjoyable for me. It's a great source of fulfillment in my life at the moment.

But if there is one thing that bothers me about work?

The elevator.

People, this thing is CRAZY.

First of all, every time you press the button to call it, there are horrendous creaking and moaning noises that sound like someone is beating the Tin Man to a vicious death with his own oil can.

Secondly? The doors are 100% evil.
They don't give a care if you are trying to hold the elevator for someone.
Those doors will just SLAM close...trying to chop off your arm in the process.
Either the sensor is defective or else it was a casualty of the Tin Man beating. I'm not sure.

So once I make it inside the elevator with all my appendages still attached, I always have to tell myself: "Don't look up. Don't look up. Don't look up."

Because all I can think about it is how much the top of the elevator looks like the elevator scene in Silence of the Lambs.

And you KNOW that scene in Silence of the Lambs.
Drip.
Drip.
Drip.

(Yeah, that scene. I'd insert a picture for you but I'm afraid to google that image. I won't sleep for a week.)

So I'm thinking that's how I should answer people's pity-filled question of "How is work going?"

Me: "Well, it's going great, Beth! As long as I don't have to take the Elevator of Death. I just pray the whole time that he won't eat my liver with a side of fava beans and nice chianti, you know?"

The Two Best Baby Gifts Ever.

My friend is having her first baby tomorrow morning.
I called her today to wish her luck and asked how she was feeling today. She told me she was doing laundry, getting a manicure/pedicure, and doing some last minute things in the nursery.

In my head?

I just wanted to scream into the phone: "STOP EVERYTHING YOU ARE DOING AND JUST GO TO BED. SLEEP, SLEEP, SLEEP!!! Sleep like it is the last sleep you will ever get in your life. TRUST ME ON THIS!"

But of course I would never actually say that to an "about-to-be-a-first-time-mom-tomorrow morning" friend. It's like the unwritten rule of motherhood: You do not make any mention of the hurricane that is about to make landfall on their life tomorrow.

And I don't care what you all say. That little 7lb bundle is totally a hurricane disguised in a cute hat and hospital swaddling blanket.

So while we are on the topic of babies today......

Remember when I did my Best Wedding Gift post? The best registry and non-registry gifts you could ever give?

Well, here's McMommy's recommendations for best baby gifts!

Best Registry Item: The video monitor

I know what you are thinking. Why do they need a video screen to stare at their kid sleeping? OH NO. Trust me. This is truly the gift that keeps on giving.

Because guess what?

That baby turns into a 12 month old THAT SITS IN HIS CRIB WHEN HE IS SUPPOSED TO BE SLEEPING AND PEELS THE BORDER OFF THE WALL.

Go ahead. Just ask me how I know that.

And as your friend is sitting there in the next room, she cocks her head to the side and says: "Hmmm. That's a strange sound. Almost like a scraping noise. But I'm sure it's nothing. I don't want to walk in there and WAKE THE BABY."

Because that becomes the whole goal of your friend's existence: DON'T WAKE THE BABY.

{Upon walking in to a million pieces of torn wallpaper border, our video monitor was purchased shortly thereafter. It has since been used on trips, to monitor timeouts, to monitor transitions into big boy beds, etc. You will be a hero to your friend if you purchase her a video monitor, I promise.}


Best Non-Registry Gift: Friends who bring you DINNER

This has got to be one of the greatest gifts EVER. I like to call it "Dinner For the Weary". Because let's all be honest here.....new parents will forget how they ever functioned in society. Basic survival skills such as eating, showering, and sleeping will be just a distant memory for them.

Heck, I remember crying one night because my mom came over to make us hamburgers for dinner.
FULL ON SOBBING TEARS OF APPRECIATION FOR HAMBURGER MEAT, PEOPLE!
I had no clue how monumental it would be to eat a warm meal....how thankful I would be for someone just helping me to function that first week.

If your friend lives nearby, you can make it and drop it off to them.
Or if they live out of state, I've ordered a Honey Baked Ham small dinner online to be delivered to them. Either way, you can't go wrong.

But whether you get her something from the registry or not, do you know what is the other best gift you can give a new mom?

Tell her absolutely, under no circumstance, should she write you a thank you note for (insert name of gift you got her here).

Her little "I haven't slept in 8 days" eyes will start welling up with tears at the thought of writing one less thank you note, I'm promising you.

Because there is no greater mountain to climb than the stack of thank you cards you must write for all the baby gifts you've received.....and you haven't slept or showered or essentially functioned as a member of society since....well....you can't really remember when.....

GASP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PAPRIKA JUST SHOWED UP AT MY BACK DOOR WITH THIS HIDEOUS THING ON:((GASP!!))))

Does this mean she is someone else's cat????!!!

THIS IS THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE!!

Now what am I supposed to do? Double Stuff Oreo LOVES our family! And my family loves her! She hangs out all day long on our front porch, under our patio table, on the mat by the back door. She sits on my lap in the evening and purrs up a storm. The first thing my kids do when they wake up in the morning is run to the door to see if little Sprinkles is sitting there. SERIOUSLY, NOW WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?!

p.s. Call me bitter, but that collar/bandanna is quite possibly the ugliest thing I've ever seen in my life. Poor 'Rika is mortified that she had to make her McMommy Chronicles debut wearing that.