I bet I failed at parenting more today than you did.

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Today at the park, my kids kicked off their shoes.  GROSS. 
But we were getting close to leaving and I was too busy packing up our things to yell at them.

Carter comes running up to me and screams “I HAFTA POOP AND I NOT GONNA MAKE IT!”

Let me draw you a map so you can understand where we were and where the bathrooms were:

And so we begin our cross-country RUN for the bathroom.

We are about 2 hours into our journey of The Amazing Race For The Bathroom and I look down at Carter’s feet and my run turns into a bad dream, slow-motion “Noooooooooooooooooooo”.  

My son is running to a public bathroom.  BAREFOOT.
In that instant, all I could think of was this:


At this point, we are somewhere in Kansas.
Should we go back to Florida for the shoes???


It was a horrible game of Would You Rather and I was screwed either way. 

I’m not even going to go into details of how I tried to carry him and hover him above the toilet because I couldn’t set him down to wrap the toilet seat in 20lbs of toilet paper coverage because if I set him down OMG!!  HE WILL GET HOOKWORMS!! 
Public bathrooms are crawling with hookworms, everyone knows that! 
Deadly diseases and bad grammar.

And let’s not discuss how I gave in and eventually let him sit on the toilet because have you ever tried hovering 40lbs for like 15 minutes?  Someone pass him a magazine.

Or what about when he jumped down off of the toilet and his tiny toes touched the ground and I screamed HOOKWORMS!!!!!!!!!!!  CARTER, HOOKWORMS!!!!!!   
And then he got all scared and was like “MOMMY, HOLD ME!”
And I scooped him up but hello, the child still needed to be wiped and honestly WHERE WAS THIS MOMENT IN THE WHAT TO EXPECT BOOK?!?!

It was a day that will live in parenting infamy.

***originally posted in 2010. Re-posted today by special request.***


  1. deep breath in..hold it...slowly release...Don't even get me started on alternate scenarios which could have been much worse ( some of which have happened..my head is still hanging in shame 30 years later) So, you had a bad-mommy moment. Just think this, you learned something from this lesson that will prevent something MUCH WORSE from happening in the future, you don't know what...may never know...because YOU PREVENTED IT! There, feel a little better? Now get out the wire brush and the Lysol and..NEVER MIND..LOL just kidding!!!

  2. Such a funny story! Your blog always gives me a good laugh! Thanks for that because after the day I had today I really needed it.

  3. I busted out at your "map"!!! You definitely got the point across -ha!

    Gotta love these moments...
    especially since they make funny blog posts for us to read. :D

  4. Oh my gosh that is so awful and so funny at the same time! I am laughing so hard, but bless your heart I think I might have cried if I found myself in your shoes (or without shoes ; ) so you handled it better than I probably would have!

  5. ohmy... I think you handled it better than I would have... seriously, I would have just found a bunch of bushes... I bet he had a long bath when you got home, right?

    Hope the rest of your day was less eventful.


  6. I feel your pain. What is it about boys and public restrooms? They always find an excuse to touch everything!!

    This made my morning. You're in good company- we've all been in similar predicaments.

  7. Oh my word, that is some kind of nasty. The stuff we do for our kids.

  8. I was having a bad day, and you totally made it better just now with that story. I feel for you though!

  9. Man, I wish lived that close to Hawaii! ;)

  10. Thanks Jen! With kids that are now 12 and 10 we have certainly been there! And, it MUST BE A BOY THING because I've waited 20 minutes in those park bathrooms for our son; our daughter, she is miss efficient! And, they do learn to keep their shoes on. Oh, and don't worry, there will be many more parenting lessons that are not in any book...I know I have more coming too! Thanks for your funny post - are we really that far away being here where the BATHROOM IS in Washington!

  11. OMG, that was hysterical. I'm with you all the way tho. But really, you'll laugh about this one day....right?

  12. OMG!!! I literally just laughed out loud. STILL LAUGHING!!!! And BTW, WTH are hookworms??? God, you crack me up!

  13. That is absolutely disgusting and hilarious, and so true.

    You know that little cutout area on the front of the toilet seat in those things so that guys don't make a total mess of it? Frankie totally put her HAND in there and leaned on it once. We had the limb amputated.

  14. Maybe Britney Spears went all crazy because the hookworms traveled from her feet to her head. But if his feet only slightly touched the floor, I'm sure he'll be fine (but keep your eye on him just in case).

  15. i hear you...while he was sitting i would have tried to make some make shift shoes out of paper towels or something..those bathrooms give me the willys!

  16. Your kid is a munchkin so it's understandable that shoes were forgotten. And I really hate to admit this, but I've actually made this mistake myself. At the beach I walked a million miles to the bathroom only to realize I was still barefoot and I had to make a difficult choice. Do I go pee in the ocean on a day that is waaaaaay to cold for swimming? Or do go barefoot into the public restroom? Walking all the way back to get my flip flops was not an option. I decided to use the public facilities and walked the whole million miles back to my towel in the knee deep tide. Salt water is naturally disinfecting right?

  17. This is hilarious! If this is your biggest parenting fail you've had this far I think you're probably doing pretty well!

  18. Oh no! My kids have tried to go into public restrooms barefooted before too, makes me crazy!

    At least he didn't poop his pants.

  19. There's some hidden magic relationship between boys and bathrooms. Every time we leave our neighborhood, within the first 10 minutes my son has to go to the bathroom. Maybe it's from the excitement of being in a new place, sensing adventure? And it's always "I-want-make-it-to-the-decent-public-restroom" scenario, so we rush to the nearest one (some ancient grocery store) with the grossest bathroom in the universe.

  20. a) i needed this laugh out loud today - thank you!

    b) love that you threw in britt britt :)

    c) and i am pretending that you said kansas bc of me. and bc you know that i would have had a clean bathroom where you could have stopped!

  21. Laughing so hard my husband thought something was seriously wrong with me...done something similar to this...ughh, I feel your pain...

  22. Oh, gross! But, I've been there. My boys hate to wear shoes. They also hate to wear pants, so they are very likely to walk out of the bathroom in barefeet...and nothing on but a shirt. Yes, in public.

    Learned that one the hard way. Was too busy dying from embarassment to worry about the germs.


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