The $1000 costume.

TRICK OR TREAT!  Sorry I ate all the Reese's Peanut Butter cups but here's an old McMommy post for you instead. WHAT? At least I didn't give you pennies or shut off my porch light.....

Super Mario.

It is the simplest costume in the world, right?

Overalls. Red shirt. Red cap. Mustache. 

So naturally, I was all "Ha! I can put that together. I'm not paying $50 for that halloween superstore version! I can make that costume EASY!"

Which was obviously the dumbest thing I've ever said.
Because it took blood, sweat, tears and over 2 months for me to put that costume together.

To be fair, the red cap, gloves, mustache and red shirt were all relatively easy to get.

But do you realize how difficult it is to find overalls here in Florida? 
I've never seen anyone over the age of 6 months wearing them.

And apparently, everyone in the whole wide WORLD suddenly had a deep desire to purchase size 6 jean overalls on Ebay.

I was outbid on like 100 different auctions.

I was even outbid on auctions where I didn't even LIKE the overalls...I just wanted to WIN ONE PLEASEFORTHELOVEOFSUPERMARIOBROTHERS!!!

I may have twittered something to effect of "I hate all of you bidding on size 6 denim overalls."

Which Coco may have read.

Because like a fairy godmother, I get an email from Coco with a picture of size 6 denim overalls. She stopped in a consignment shop and found them.  

I replied: "I WILL PAY $1000 FOR THOSE OVERALLS!! DON'T LET ANYONE NEAR THEM!! GUARD THEM WITH YOUR LIFE!! THEY ARE THE LAST PAIR LEFT ON THIS PLANET!!!"

I frantically called the store, paid for them, and then paid an amount-I-will-not-write-here-because-I'm-still-recovering-from-the-shock to have them shipped to me.

The costume was complete. Angels could be heard rejoicing.

Matthew tried it on and loved it. He wore it all around the house. I even drew a little moustache on with my eyeliner because he didn't want to mess up the fake moustache he would wear on Halloween.

If there was a picture that illustrated how I was feeling at that moment, it would look like this:

VICTORY WAS MINE.

So Halloween arrives....and it's time to put on the costume.....and...

Do you know what my son says to me?

"I don't feel like wearing that."

Oh ha ha! Oh, you're funny, Honeysweetiepreciouspumpkinbear! Ok, put on your costume now.

"No, I don't like it anymore."

I'm sorry, what? It sounded like you said you don't like it, but I must be delirious from all this halloween excitement because THIS IS YOUR COSTUME. YOU WILL WEAR IT. YOU WILL LIKE IT. MOMMY SCOURED THE ENTIRE EARTH FOR OVERALLS. MOMMY PAID RIDICULOUS POSTAGE TO HAVE OVERALLS SHIPPED TO US IN TIME FOR TONIGHT. YOU WILL WEAR THEM.

"I'M NOT WEARING IT."

And do you know what he picked out to wear?

A Halloween shirt that has been sitting in his closet for the past 2 years THAT DOESN'T EVEN FIT HIM ANYMORE.

FINE. Wear whatever you want.

But I'll tell you one thing: DO NOT expect me to share my thousands of dollars with you that I'm going to make when I put your overalls on Ebay tomorrow.

McMommywood

It's Sunday and I think it's a perfect time to discuss mindless Hollywood gossip that I was obsessed with last week.

Although let's be honest.  Any time is a perfect time to discuss mindless Hollywood gossip.

So let's just do a shotgun start...the number 1 story I'm most fascinated by:

#1--Tori Spelling!!!
Tori Spelling's 4th-child-conceived-only-4 weeks-after-the-3rd child-was-born c-section scar busted open.
Can we pause and reflect on that sentence again?
Because OMG.  
I still can't process this even though I've read every single story written about it 47 times.  
I'm completely horrified by it and yet cannot turn away.
Must click....and read about how HER INTESTINES CAME OUT.
Ohhhhhhhhh whyyyyyyyyy can't I click away?!?!
And where is the part of the story that says Dean has been neutered so this can never ever happen again? 
Because that's the only way this story should end.

#2--Mr. and Mrs. Timberlake
Why does Jessica Biel make me yawn so much?  
I get bored even just saying her name, let alone looking at her.   
AND THEN?
I see the People cover and she is wearing a pink wedding dress!   
The hell????  Suddenly she's Sandy from Grease, carnival scene?!

#3--Jessica Simpson's parents are getting divorced
Ok, big deal. But is he gay?  The former preacher who loves fashion and talking about his daughter's boobs? Hold on while I find my surprised face.   
I think Papa Joe said it best: "She's got DDs.  You can't cover those suckers up!"

#4--Jessica Alba, Are You My Mother?
I'm fascinated by how much her daughter Haven looks NOTHING like her.  Or the father.  Every time I see a pic of her and Haven, I always think she just picked up Marcia Cross's kid at the park by accident.  

So you are welcome for this extremely insightful post.  
Tomorrow I promise I'll have something more scholarly to post. 
Maybe.
Ok, probably not.

Bahamian Ketchup

It's catch up time. Bahamian style!

1. What kind of girl re-starts her blog only to slack off like a week later?!   

Look, I have a VERY GOOD explanation for all of it.

I'm a slacker. 

This is evidence by the fact that sometimes I do very slacker-esq things.  Such as?  

When I get home from a trip to...say the Bahamas...., I let the suitcase sit there for a little bit or a week to "acclimate" and become adjusted to its surroundings again.  It has nothing to do with being lazy and everything to do with scientific theories and facts I make up. Ahem.

Then?  A few days later...I open it.   

Then I might even get all crazy and dump the clothes out on floor...although let's be realistic here....not to actually do laundry but in an attempt to find that shirt I thought I packed.   

Then I realize, wait! Maybe I never packed it!  Maybe it's still hanging on the back of that chair where I left it.
Oh, look, it is!   
Score one for Team Hanger-less.

For the next few days, I put a lot of effort into ignoring the big mess on the floor.    
But a slacker can only put in that kind of effort for so long, you know?
So then I throw all the clothes back in and zip it up in what I refer to as an "acclimation process re-start".

I love a re-start.  For example...my dryer when I don't feel like folding the clothes.  

No, I am not noticing a theme here at all.   Moving on......

2.   Will you all indulge me for one minute while I get all stupid and gushy on you?   

Cause he WON, you guys!  

My boy won 3rd place in the Youth division for the Bottom Fishing Tournament there!!!  
And?  No rods were allowed....just hand-lining.  Kid was a MACHINE.  So proud of him!  

Of course, my sister and I did lots of coaching.....from a sitting down ew! is that a fish scale in my wine glass-position.

3. Carter stepped on something in the ocean while we were there. Messed up his foot something fierce.   Suddenly in my head?  We were going to rock this tourney Bela Karolyi/Kerri Strug style.

4.   Only he kept screaming PUT ME DOWN.  And wanted to gut fish instead.

5. And finally....you know what's awesome?  Feeding your kids the fish they were gutting earlier for dinner.

 Look at how EXCITED they were about it!!!!

It's all fun and games until you have to eat Nemo for dinner.

At least you didn't have to deal with HER this morning.

I've only been back blogging a week and I'm ALREADY on vacation?!?  SLACKER, I know.  
But ooh...look over there! An old post for you!  
I'm sneaking back to my lounge chair if anyone needs me....wish you were here!

*****************************************************************************
(originally posted 2009)

Last night was a late night of celebrating with the family.  And I'm not sure where the champagne tree is in the yard, but it has got to be there somewhere. Because every time I turned around, my previously empty champagne glass was full again.

Needless to say, this morning I woke up and was all "Hi, I'm calling in sick to work today."

But my 2 year old was all "Request denied."

So in an effort to dump my parental duties on someone else, we headed off to storytime at the library. 
An amazing angel of a librarian put out fun Melissa and Doug puzzles for the kids to play with, sang songs to them, and read them stories.

As Carter and I sat at the table with the puzzle, another mother came and sat across from me.

She was everything I wasn't this morning.

She was loud, she was perky, and she was obviously trying to win the prize for Most Annoying Mother Ever.

"Jack, LOOK! A Clifford puzzle! Let's see if we can remember every single character EVER from Clifford...."

{DearGodHelpMe.}

"Jack, are you listening to Mommy, Jack? Jack, I'm trying to remember the purple character's name. Jack, can you help mommy remember the purple character's name? Jack? I need your attention, Jack. Look at mommy, Jack."


"Jack, I have an idea. Let's count to 20 in Spanish just for fun!"

"Oh Jack! It's time for Wheels on the Bus! How EXCITING!!!"
{Insert image here of Most Annoying Mother Ever doing all the motions to Wheels on the Bus so emphatically, that she probably made the first-place winner of the national cheerleading competition look lethargic.}

In the midst of this annoying-ness, Carter shows me this thing and says "what dis mommy?"


I replied "A hot dog".

Because it kind of looked like a hot dog to me.

And do you know what Annoying Mom says to Jack?

"Jack, is that really a hot dog?"

And annoying Jack turns to ME and says "That's a carrot, not a hot dog."

Annoying mom gets all puffy and beaming and says: "That's RIGHT, Jack! Why do you think it is a carrot and not a hot dog?"

Jack: "It's orange."

Annoying Mom: "That's right, Jack!!! Plus, they are making sandwiches and you wouldn't cut up a hot dog to put in a sandwich, right? So yes, it is a carrot. Do you like carrots, Jack? Jack, do you know carrots are good for your eyes? They have Vitamin A in them and vitamin A is good for your eyes. And Jack? BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH INSERT MORE ANNOYING STUFF HERE BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH."


I almost chucked the "carrot" at her head.

Well, look at that. You are right, little Jack. It IS a carrot!
Because I don't think a hot dog would've left a mark like THAT on your mom's head! 

Shark Week{end}

My sister's dog and his buddies. 

Fall me....maybe.

It's fall but I haven't embraced it like I normally do.

I've concluded it is due to a few factors:

1. I ate my all-time favorite muffin.....the Dunkin Pumpkin muffin accompanied by a warm coffee.
Problem? 
It was 89 degrees out.
So that muffin tasted.....ew.
And the coffee....ugh,I'm sweating just thinking about it.

2. I am wearing a bright red nail polish and have yet to switch over to the dark side.  
Essie's Wicked and Smokin Hot are about to put my picture on a milk carton.   

3.  These boots are still not my mine:

The Frye Paige Tall Riding boot in Cognac. My skinny jeans are begging me for them. 
Every time I see these boots, I look exactly like this:  

Only they are BETTER than a Red Ryder BB gun because I won't shoot my eye out.

And I know what you all are thinking.  Do people really wear boots in Florida???

Look, there is going to be at least one...maybe even TWO days between now and March 1st where it will be a chilly 71 degrees.  

And you better believe I would wear the heck out of those boots during those two days while downing a pumpkin muffin and cuddling up to a piping hot cup of coffee while my freshly manicured Soulmate nails glisten in the light of the autumnal sun.

Or I will be sweating my brains out while cursing the fact that I spilled the stupid coffee down my {still amazing} boots and the damn manicure only lasted two days before the first chip.

Of course though, it would probably be the first scenario. 
IT WOULD.

Rules of the Pool

On yesterday's post, I received this comment from Kmama:

I'm so glad you're back. Will you be linking to any of those old posts again? Whenever I had a bad day, I would come over and read your "Must reads" and then I would laugh and get over whatever was bugging me...if only for a little while.  The answer? Ask and you shall receive, Kmama.   Enjoy!   ~McMommy *********************************************************************************************************

(originally posted in 2008)

This morning Carter and I attended our usual Monday morning Mommy &Me swim class at our little neighborhood swim school for kids. It's a real cute place.

Today, I noticed for the first time the "Rules of the Pool" sign. All the rules were typical of pool rules...."Showering before entering" (which, by the way, does anyone really do?), so on and so forth.

Then I read Rule #7:

"Do not enter pool while intoxicated."

Um...

Was drunk swimming a rampant problem among the over-21 age group of the neighborhood swim school?

Hmmm.........


Rebel Moms: "Hey, McMommy! Pssst! McMommy, come over here!"

McMommy (looking around): "Me? You want me?"

Rebel Moms: "Yeah, you! You want a tequila shot?"

McMommy: "What??? But our little Starfish Swim class is about to start!"

Rebel Moms: "Exactly! That's the point! Now class is going to be A LOT more fun! Last time, we dared Tommy's mom to funnel a beer and then do a belly flop into the Tadpoles swim lesson! It was GREAT!"

McMommy: "Wait a second.....are you guys the reason for--"

Rebel Moms: "--for Rule #7!!!! Yeah!!!!! That's us!! Now come over here and do a couple shots....and then go climb up on Brandon's mom's shoulders. Drunk Mom Chicken Fighting begins in two minutes."

M+C+Mommy

I read you some old retired posts from my blog tonight for the first time ever. 

The three of us laughed til we cried. 
Seriously. 

Carter had tears streaming down his cheeks and was doing that laugh where no sound comes out.
And Matty, you and I took one look at Carter and just LOST IT. 
Then we all had tears streaming down our cheeks. 
Someone may have even peed their pants from laughing so hard. 

You both begged me for "just one more story, Mommy." 
And I swallowed back the real tears because I never thought you would love these stories that much. 

I always thought you would be embarrassed. Roll your eyes at me. 
Be so annoyed that your mom told the world about the diaper incident. 
The throw-up story.
Her favorite "lip gloss".

And let's be honest.....you probably will be so annoyed one day.

But last night?

You loved it. 

And you fell asleep next to me, with the promise that I would write another one that you could read in the morning.

I was never so happy. 

How lucky I am to be the author of your stories.  

The Worst Balloon Maker Guy In the History of Balloon Maker Guys.

{Kids Eat Free Night}

Oh, wow....what did the balloon guy make you?? 
A little blue Angry Bird.  How cute. That's great.  

But what's that in your other hand, Carter?

A BOAT?  That's a boat?  

Um wow.  Oh yeah, ok.  I think I see a sail. What's that dangle-y thing?  

The MOTOR?  Oh, yes, a motor.  Thank goodness, it's a motor.....and not, um, anything else.   

Matty, what did he make you?

Um, check please.  

Hi.

There are about a million things I should be doing right now.

Firing this blog back up is NOT one of them.

573 attempts at trying to remember the password to my account later....

M+C+MOMMY

.......we meet again.

Hi.  I've missed you!

Life is different than when I last left you. 

For starters, I'm not wearing nipple cream as lip gloss anymore.  I KNOW.  

But there are other things that have changed.  
Big life roller coasters with terrifying twists and unexpected yet totally expected drops that sometimes make you feel like your stomach is going to lurch right out of your non-nipple-creamed lips.  

And as you come out the other side, you realize you are still alive.
And kicking.
And maybe even ready to share your story.  

So I want you to be prepared for all my stories to come. 
Go pour yourself a drink and get comfortable.  
Maybe explain the nipple cream reference to the new folks around here before it gets awkward.
I'm going to go and memorize my password to this blog again. 
And let's plan to meet back here in the days ahead, ok?