Because who doesn't love a 1960s secretary?

So Matt got fired when they found out his kidneys weren't stolen.

I know. It was a letdown for all of us.

But his firing left a vacancy at the front desk and it was causing a lot of stress on the office so my co-worker and I volunteered to help out.

I'd like to say it was out of the goodness of our hearts but that would be a lie.

Her:  "Oooh!  LET'S COORDINATE OUTFITS! Secretary style!"

Me:  "OMG! YES! Pencil skirts?"

Her:  "As if you had to ask."

Me:  "We need nude pantyhose. That we bought in an egg-shaped container."

Her:  "Let's pull our hair back and wear our glasses."

Me: "I'm going to carry a folder around in my arms all day.  And pretend to take notes every time people talk to me."

Her:  "We should offer people coffee when they come in."

Me:  "Squeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!   This is going to be the most fun Monday EVVVVAAAA!!!"

So Monday rolls around......
We got nothing done in regards to our real everyday work.  
However? Front desk style? We killed it.

We even offered coffee to the FedEx guy.

At the end of the day, we decided to send a survey to the office.

1.  How stylish do you think the front desk was today?
a. Very stylish
b. Extremely stylish
c. Like a runway at NYC Fashion Week.

2. Did you receive calls transferred to you?
a. Yes, and the person who transferred it to me was so upbeat and friendly!
b. Yes, and it was an absolute pleasure to receive the calls from the front desk!
c. All of the above.

3. How well did the customer service representatives at the front desk listen to you?
a. Extremely well
b. Very well
c. I felt like I was talking to Oprah.

4. How knowledgeable were the customer service representatives at the front desk?
a. Extremely knowledgable
b. Very knowledgable
c. Rocket scientists come to mind.

5. How helpful were the customer service representatives at the front desk?
a. Extremely helpful
b. Very helpful
c. Not only helpful, but so STYLISH!

We weren't asked to help out again.
Clearly, we should have asked the FedEx guy to take the survey instead.

PICTURE THIS.

BAM!
I held up my end of the deal.  I love it when I actually follow through!

Ok, here goes....

My best friend and I took our first vacation together IN YEARS....and we went over to a tiny island in the Bahamas where my sister lives.  It was the island's annual James Bond Casino Royale party so hey why not???

The flight over was one of the best ever. I brought the sombrero as a prop for the harlem shake video we planned to film later on in the trip.  However, everyone and their mother ended up wearing that sombrero. Because seriously...how much fun is a gigantic sombrero???

And how much fun is it to dance on the runway with the hotel manager while wearing a gigantic sombrero?  Just ask that guy above.

And in case you were ever wondering if pigs swim?
There you go.
Little big island piggies will swim right up to your boat to look for your food scraps.
I didn't feed any pigs though.  No way.
Swine flu = no bueno.  (that was sombrero font)

Bond girls....your mission, should you choose to accept it, is a white dress, some major attitude, and some major bling.
Mission accomplished.....with a special shout out to E! Live From the Red Carpet SEQUIN SHOES!
I've never known what it feels like to be a celeb until that evening.
The yacht club was totally decked out in sheer curtains, vintage Bond posters, overflowing champagne, and blackjack and roulette tables as far as the eye could see.
Then, at 9pm, they had us...the Bond girls....arrive.  We walked through the front door and all immediately struck a pose with our guns.
And the crowd went wild.
Everywhere we walked that evening, someone asked if they could take their picture with us.
There was even a step-and-repeat on the red carpet and you KNOW I rocked some Melissa Gorga poses. For funsies. (thank you baby jesus, kiss my own hand, and look up at the sky)

A checkerboard painted on a picnic table with beer caps for checkers? Check.
Dogs swimming with sharks?  Check.
People swimming with sharks and liquid courage?  Check.
Sombrero?  You know it.

AND FINALLY...........

Bestie and I are sitting at the bar one evening and she looks at me and informs me that Don Johnson is sitting across from us.  I didn't believe her, because the man sitting across from us looked like this:

And NOT LIKE THIS:

However, it was confirmed true by many many sources.

I tried so hard to take an inconspicuous pic for you all but failed miserably.  However, as he walked back to board his boat, I was able to grab this shot:

I like to picture him saying "TUBBS, THE DRUGS ARE THAT WAY!" when I look at that pic.

Let me tell you all about it..kind of.

It's always so hard to write the first post after a vacation.

Because it always starts off with me writing like this:

OHMYGODTHISVACATIONWASAWESOMEWEDIDSOMUCHANDINEEDTOTELLYOUEVERYSINGLELITTLETHINGANDSOOOOOOFIRSTWELEFTONTHEPLANEANDTHENWEGOTTHEREANDTHENWEDIDSOMUCHAWESOMESTUFFANDOHMYGODTHISVACATIONWASAWWWWWWWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And then I try to reign it in.

So I sit here.....

......just staring at a blank screen.......

......staring, staring, staring..........

........trying to think of a normal way to write about my vacation.


Then I get all distracted.
By my intellectual reading. Ahem.  
(OMG how adorable is that Harper with her brown tights and Mary Janes?  Also...Victoria's clutch.  Die.  I looooove a clutch.)

Ok, ok.  So trying to re-focus.....how about I just share some pics and we call it a day?

I'll have a post up later with all the pics.  No distractions until that post is up, I SWEAR (ish).

Triple S weekend.

This weekend I am leaving a jet plane with my best friend for a little mini-vacation of sun, sand, and sauvignon blanc.

And these shoes are coming with me:

Did I really buy shoes made by E! Live From the Red Carpet?  
Did I really just tell the world I BOUGHT shoes made by E! Live From the Red Carpet?
Why, self?

I'll have all the details for you soon!
In the meantime, you can always follow our island travel adventure on Instagram, of course.  

See you soon!

So THIS is what happened.

So I popped over to my parents' house to say hello one evening after work and find everyone like this:

And when they see me walk in, everyone screams:

"DON'T MOVE!"

To my surprise, it wasn't because they wanted to take in and admire the awesome-ness of what was my outfit that day.

Although they should have.

Because hello beautiful turquoise scarf???!!! 

No, it was because one of the diamonds in my sister's wedding band went flying after she caught her ring on the edge of the outdoor table.

Being the kind of person I am, I immediately sprung into action.
And began shouting encouraging and helpful advice like:  "OMG!!!!  IT COULD BE ANYWHERE!!!!  You will NEVER find it!!"

When suddenly I stepped forward and heard a crunch.

Ohhhh.

Good news?
I did not crunch my sister's diamond.

Better news?
My sister found her diamond.

Astonishing news?
She found it in the mulch.

Next to a bead of Miracle-Gro fertilizer.

Can we all pause and reflect on this insanity for a moment?????

It was literally like watching the expression "Like finding a needle in a haystack" come to life right before your eyes.

I immediately swooped in, wrapped the ring and the loose diamond in my turquoise scarf, and carried it like a sick bird to the nearest emergency room.

Or poured myself a glass of wine.

I can't remember exactly.  It was definitely one or the other though.

What Happened?

So this happened:

Any guesses as to what this was about?

The Office.

My current job is pretty great, but mostly because of the people I work with.
Take last week for example.

Monday, March 11th
9:45am--
As I walk back to my desk, I turn to my co-worker and say "There's a secret message in the bathroom for you. Good luck finding it."

2:00pm--
After extensive looking, she finds it.
I had written "Hi" in the 3 inch layer of dust that was accumulated on the artwork frame hanging on the wall.

2:23pm--
She replies: "There's a response to your secret message in the bathroom for you.  Good luck finding it."

4:47pm--
Secret message found.  ROLLED UP IN THE TOILET PAPER ROLL HOLDER.

The hiding location was brilliant. 
Only problem was that secret message had somehow gotten stuck.
And required a rescue team to dismantle it out.

Awkward moment:  Passing our manager in the hall on our way back to the desk as we tried to hide the toilet paper holder from his sight in order to begin Operation Free the Message.

Operation Free the Secret Message in effect.

Tuesday, March 12th
1:21pm--
I do the Harlem Shake all around my co-worker while she tries to have a serious conversation with a lender.

Wednesday, March 13th
8:45am--
FRONT DESK RECEPTIONIST DOES NOT SHOW UP FOR WORK.
Which is extremely not like him.

9:02am--
We immediately fear the worst.  Co-workers and I refuse to work until he is found.

9:04am--
CSI episode begins (in our heads).

10:21am--
After much debate, we decide on our detective names.
My name will be Esperanza and my co-worker's name will be Geneva.
We think the names sound very foreign and worldy and mysterious.
And not detective-like at all but who cares.

10:23am--
We remember Matt is missing.

11:45am--
We call all the emergency numbers Matt has.  No one answers.  We start to get suspicious.

11:47am--
Geneva googles his address.  And discovers.....GASP!  It's a fake address!!!!!!

11:48am--
Oh wait.  It's a UPS store.  So maybe it's a PO Box or something.

11:50am--
All this detective work is making Esperanza hungry.  We declare we must pause our investigation as it is important to nourish ourselves.  We'll resume after lunch and a People.com break.

1:04pm--
While Geneva works on looking through mug shots on the local police website, Esperanza pens a song called "Remember Matt".
It is sung to the tune of "We Are The World".
Esperanza sings it for Geneva, a la Celine Dion, holding her pretend earpiece while she belts out the tune.

3:06pm--
More theories start getting thrown out:   "He was drugged last night and woke up on a bed of ice in a hotel room. He is missing a kidney now."   We agree to think about donating him one of ours.

4:45pm--
Still no Matt.  The case is as cold as the ice in the hotel bathtub that he may or may not have woken up on.

5:30pm--
QUITTIN' TIME!!!!  Good luck, Matt, wherever you are!


Thursday, March 14th

7:01am---
{Esperanza texts Geneva:}
"OMG. ARE YOU AWAKE?  WAKE UP!!!!!!!!!  News is reporting that a body washed up on shore this morning. Young male in his 20s.  They cannot id him because HE WAS NAKED!!!!!!!"

7:15am---
"OMG. Did he have kidneys?!?!?!"

9:00am---
Esperanza and Geneva determine a missing persons report must be called in.  

9:04am--
Esperanza and Geneva freshen up their make-up.  You know, just in case the cops need to take a statement from them. In front the news camera crew.

9:22am--
"Should we wear a ribbon or something? Maybe tie it to trees around town? Like to remind people of Matt."
"We totally should. Maybe with a slogan like 'Bring Matt Home'. "
"What color should the ribbon be?"
"What color matches what we are wearing today?"

10:30am--
Still no cops.  Or media.

11:32am--Ditto.

1:22pm--Ditto.

2:01pm--
"Maybe we should try texting Matt one more time."

2:02pm--
{Geneva's text to Matt:}
Matt, we have called the police and are about to file a missing person's report.  If you receive this text and are ok, please just text back.  Also, please let us know if you need a kidney."

2:04pm--
OMG HE TEXTED BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

{Matt's text to Geneva:}
"I'm fine.  I just quit."

2:05pm--
"HE QUIT?!"
"What a letdown."
"This is the worst ending ever. How boring."
"I wrote that song for nothing."
"Does this mean we have to work again?"

3:23pm--

"GASP!!!!!!!!! WHAT IF MATT'S ABDUCTOR WROTE THAT TEXT????!!!!  TO THROW US OFF FROM CALLING THE POLICE?????"


So yeah.  This week ahead should be fun......

Choices, choices.

Remember Choose Your Own Adventure books?
Where you got to choose what happened at the end of each chapter?

The only adventure this guy should choose is which is the way to the nearest manicure.

Pack your bags, friends.
Because today?
You are going on a Lemon Chicken Adventure!

If you choose the Martha Stewart way to make this chicken, go to page 34.

If you choose the McMommy way to make this chicken, skip to page 78.

Friday Nonsense.

1. I hope someone around here has been going around checking all the elevators because of what a ghost town this blog has been!!  Good news?  I'm here.  Bad news?  It's Friday.  Which probably means you are going to lose me again for days on end as I slack off into the weekend.


2. What do we think about Jessica Simpson accidentally revealing she is having a baby boy?
And supposedly she is naming him "Ace".
Her's daughter's name is Maxwell.
Ace and Max.

Reminds me of only one thing:

3. Is it just me or does this seem a little advanced for kindergarten?

4.  I'm so disappointed in the Today Show lately.
Watching Savannah is like watching vanilla ice cream.
Matt Lauer is almost never on anymore, even though I heard he signed some huge contract for like $25 gazillion dollars a year to stay on.
Al Roker is Al Roker.
Natalie Morales even makes me yawn now.  
The whole vibe there is completely messed up.  And feels forced.
And I just think I fell asleep from boring myself talking about their boring-ness.


5. So this is happening on Pinterest:

Onions stored in pantyhose will last as long as 8 months.
27 ways to make your groceries last as long as possible.

You're welcome, people of the world who need to store onions for 8 months.


6. Somewhere right now, a kindergartner just read this post and cursed me for dumbing him down.

Tag. I'm it.

{I was tagged to answer these questions.  Nice. Let’s get this party started.}


If you were a doll, the accessories packaged with you would be:

OMG.  SO EASY!!!!!!   Those tiny Barbie shoes. 
You know exactly what I’m talking about.
Those tiny adorable super fashionable Barbie shoes.  
My friend gave me this Hallmark Christmas ornament and I almost died from the awesome-ness:

 
I have an irrational fear of:
How long do I have to answer this question?  Because we could be here all night.
 
What would you do if you were stranded on an island with the person you hate most?
Ok, I’ve thought about this and my answer depends on who exactly is the hated one I am stranded with.   I mean, what if I'm stranded on an island with Joran Van der Sloot???
If I was stranded with him, I would just start swimming far far away from that island. 
Because seriously, if the swim doesn’t kill me, we all know he will.

I find the thought of childbirth:
The easy part.  It’s the months of no sleep afterward that scare the living daylights out of me.

My toenails are:
Red. Again.
Also I hate the word toenails.

What was the last thing to make you cry? 
I was so excited to sit down to a brand-new package of Football Oreos. 
And discovered we were out of milk.  
This was a major devastation because for some unknown reason, football Oreos taste even more delicious than regular Oreos.  I have no idea why.  Also, I think someone else should be in charge of buying the milk around here.  I have more important things to concentrate on at the grocery store.  
Like limited edition cookies. 

What’s most confusing to you?
Google Analytics.

What is one thing you’ve learned about life?
Ahhh.  I hate these types of questions!! I feel like I should have some really philosophical way of answering it.  Or something really touching.  Something that someone reads and says “That should be a college commencement speech right there!!!” I can’t write under this kind of pressure. 
Someone ask me about nail polish again.

Have you ever been stuck in an elevator?
I would DIE of claustrophobia if I ever got stuck in an elevator. 
And since I am still living, I think we all know the answer to this question. 
But if this blog ever goes quiet for days on end, GO CHECK EVERY SINGLE ELEVATOR IN EVERY SINGLE BUILDING IN FLORIDA!!!!  BRING ME OXYGEN!!! 
And football Oreos.

The couch at 4pm.

This would be my wild child at 4pm this afternoon:

Not sick.  Just tiiiiiiired.

Wow, where do I even begin?  This is just so unexpected. Truly! I mean I know everyone said it was a possibility, but I just didn't think it was possible!  Ok, ok,  I know my time is limited so I will make this quick.   I want to say a heartfelt thank you to all the people who made this happen because I could never have done this alone!  So first and foremost, I'd like to thank God. You've got my back always, don't you?! Much love to you. I'm really sorry I forgot to give up something for Lent this year. Can I jump in the game halfway through?

Another huge thank you goes out to Grandma for the awesome sleepover he enjoyed last night...sorry if he woke up a little early. (but then again, if he didn't, would I be standing here right now?? So maybe I'm just sorry-ish.)

And I would be remiss if I didn't thank his awesome Uncle McDreamy and always delightful Aunt McSister for taking him to the park!  An hour of non-stop football games, relay races, and 100-yard dash contests?  I feel like the real winner here.

Of course, a special shout-out goes to my feathery soft pillow and oh-so-fluffy down comforter.  You've never done me wrong!

And finally, I just want to recognize the amazing Florida weather happening right now with the cool 65-degree breeze blowing through and the heavenly smell of the homemade bread baking in the oven as we speak...the snuggly factor going on in this home right now is ridiculous.  About to break the cozy meter!

Ok, ok, they are telling me to wrap this up because he is starting to stir but a big thank you, thank you, THANK YOU to everyone who made this 55 minutes of unexpected peace and quiet possible!  You are the best!  xoxoxoxo