Whenever I need a reminder, I read this...

Monday, August 31, 2009



“All my babies are gone now. I say this not in sorrow but in disbelief. I take great satisfaction in what I have today: three almost-adults, two taller than I am, one closing in fast.

Three people who read the same books I do and have learned not to be afraid of disagreeing with me in their opinion of them, who sometimes tell vulgar jokes that make me laugh until I choke and cry, who need razor blades and shower gel and privacy, who want to keep their doors closed more than I like.

Who, miraculously, go to the bathroom, zip up their jackets and move food from plate to mouth all by themselves. Like the trick soap I bought for the bathroom with a rubber ducky at its center, the baby is buried deep within each, barely discernible except through the unreliable haze of the past.

Everything in all the books I once poured over is finished for me now - Penelope Leach., T. Berry Brazelton., Dr. Spock. The ones on sibling rivalry and sleeping through the night and early-childhood education, all grown obsolete.

Along with Goodnight Moon and Where the Wild Things Are,they are battered, spotted, well used. But I suspect that if you flipped the pages dust would rise like memories.

What those books taught me, finally, and what the women on the playground taught me, and the well-meaning relations - what they taught me, was that they couldn’t really teach me very much at all.

Raising children is presented at first as a true-false test, then becomes multiple choice, until finally, far along, you realize that it is an endless essay. No one knows anything.

One child responds well to positive reinforcement, another can be managed only with a stern voice and a timeout. One child is toilet trained at 3, his sibling at 2.

When my first child was born, parents were told to put baby to bed on his belly so that he would not choke on his own spit-up. By the time my last arrived, babies were put down on their backs because of research on sudden infant death syndrome.

To a new parent this ever-shifting certainty is terrifying, and then soothing. Eventually you must learn to trust yourself. Eventually the research will follow.

I remember 15 years ago poring over one of Dr. Brazelton’s wonderful books on child development, in which he describes three different sorts of infants: average, quiet, and active.

I was looking for a sub-quiet codicil for an 18-month old who did not walk. Was there something wrong with his fat little legs? Was there something wrong with his tiny little mind? Was he developmentally delayed, physically challenged?

Was I insane?
Last year he went to China . Next year he goes to college. He can talk just fine. He can walk, too.

Every part of raising children is humbling, too. Believe me, mistakes were made. They have all been enshrined in the, “Remember-When-Mom-Did Hall of Fame.”

The outbursts, the temper tantrums, the bad language, mine, not theirs. The times the baby fell off the bed. The times I arrived late for preschool pickup. The nightmare sleepover. The horrible summer camp.

The day when the youngest came barreling out of the classroom with a 98 on her geography test, and I responded,”What did you get wrong?”. (She insisted I include that.)

The time I ordered food at the McDonald’s drive-through speaker and then drove away without picking it up from the window. (They all insisted I include that.) I did not allow them to watch the Simpsons for the first two seasons. What was I thinking?

But the biggest mistake I made is the one that most of us make while doing this. I did not live in the moment enough. This is particularly clear now that the moment is gone, captured only in photographs.

There is one picture of the three of them, sitting in the grass on a quilt in the shadow of the swing set on a summer day, ages 6, 4 and 1. And I wish I could remember what we ate, and what we talked about, and how they sounded, and how they looked when they slept that night.

I wish I had not been in such a hurry to get on to the next thing: dinner, bath, book, bed. I wish I had treasured the doing a little more and the getting it done a little less.

Even today I’m not sure what worked and what didn’t, what was me and what was simply life. When they were very small, I suppose I thought someday they would become who they were because of what I’d done. Now I suspect they simply grew into their true selves because they demanded in a thousand ways that I back off and let them be. The books said to be relaxed and I was often tense, matter-of-fact and I was sometimes over the top.

And look how it all turned out. I wound up with the three people I like best in the world, who have done more than anyone to excavate my essential humanity. That’s what the books never told me. I was bound and determined to learn from the experts. It just took me a while to figure out who the experts were.”

~Anna Quindlen, Newsweek Columnist & Author

41 Comments!:

  1. Thanks for sharing. We all need these reminders some days. Now, pass the tissues.

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  2. I'm not a mom yet, but I loved this post. Makes me look forward to the years to come.

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  3. You totally me cry with this...because it's so, so true!

    But I think I may look forward to naptime...okay, only some days ;)

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  4. Okay, after the day that I had I REALLY NEEDED that. thank you so much for sharing it.

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  5. What a great article. Makes me feel slightly sad that it all goes by so quickly. Also makes me realize the importance of appreciating what's happening now.

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  6. Thank you for that. I think I'll slow down tomorrow.

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  7. Aww, I needed this today. I've been struggling with my 9 and 7 year olds and this just helped me out so much.
    Thanks.

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  8. I just had an little epiphany like this about my son last week (and yes I blogged about it). While he's only 2 years old, he has just turned into my little love bug. And I threw all rules out the window the day he asked me to sleep in Mama's bed for naptime. I gave in. Then he begged me to lay down to and I just couldn't resist. I knew that those days would soon become fewer and further between. So I embraced my little love bug. And will never ever regret not being the disciplinarian that day!

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  9. Thank you for posting that. It's so true I never thought I would survive and I now I have a 15year old. I don't now if I'll survive the teen age years but I rushed all the ages before so I think I will enjoy these. Even if it's mostly eye rolling and attitude! Have a great day!

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  10. Oh the tears! I TRY so hard to pay attention to the now. I try. But it's so hard to hold on to. My son is a month away from 7, so still quite young. But still, I look back at pictures of my 2 year old, 3 year old, and I miss him. I miss those days. I want to hug THAT boy and still have my big boy too. Thanks for this post.

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  11. Thank you for this. With two 17 month olds at home, it's crazy and hectic, and sometimes SO hard to just live in the moment.

    I don't want them to grow up.

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  12. Sounds like she's now an 'expert.' I need to file this one away too... very nice and the perfect reminder. : )

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  13. Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful.

    and, whatever you do, don't show it to your mother. Because all she'll be able to say is, "Oh, YOU have no idea!!!"

    Wait, that's my mother I'm talking about...

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  14. Love it!! We all need this reminder at times....enjoy each day! the good, the bad and the ugly. Today was my baby's first day of preschool!!

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  15. Love this.... Thank you for sharing. I'm going to have to forward this too a few friends.

    It makes me feel so blessed to have my little boy.

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  16. What a great article...sniffle, sniffle...thanks for sharing!

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  17. Thank you, McMommy, for sharing this gem! As I cuddle & nurse baby #5 & think desperately at all of the "lasts" I'm dealing with, I also try not to forget the "firsts" of the other four, all while hubby is traveling & I'm overwhelmed with jumping from homework to playtime to dinner to bedtime to dishes to lunch packing to nursing the baby & praying for more than two hours of sleep! I'm so wrapped up in the moments that I can't enjoy them--I'll keep trying!!!

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  18. This was beautiful. I agree that the purpose of parenting all comes down to bringing up people you enjoy being around. You've had success! You like the people your children have become. Bravo =) Hope I can do the same.

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  19. So True....true indeed, and yes I need some tissue....aww

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  20. Oh McMommy, thank you for posting this! I am a brand new mommy (she's 2 weeks old today!) and hope I can remember this gem when the going gets tough!

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  21. Wow- of all days, today I probably needed to hear this the most. As I begin to embrace the task of putting all of our DVD's back into their cases (thanks little 3 year old man!) I will try to savor the moment for what it is (instead of an effort to make me CRAZY) Thanks for sharing.

    I read your blog pretty regularly, very funny stuff! I forget how I stumbled upon it, but I'm glad I did!

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  22. YOU, Yes, you are going to make me cry. I was just sitting here happy/sad because I sent my baby off to high school.

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  23. Popped in from the Mighty M's to say hi! I don't have kids yet, but this makes the prospect less intimidating!

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  24. OK, now I am crying. Love it... so beautiful, so true. Exhale...

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  25. So well said. In the trenches sometimes it is hard to remember.

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  26. Beautiful, wonderful, touching read.

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  27. Beautiful, I told myself that I only teared up because I'm 25 weeks pregnant and cry at the drop of the hat.... Glad to know that I'm not the only one sitting here reaching for the tissues!

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  28. one of my all time favorites - thanks for the reminder friend :)

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  29. That was beautiful. So perfectly said.

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  30. Okay I am crying, and I'm not a cryer. I have three boys so this really hit home. Thanks!

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  31. Beautiful. I'm so totally gonna steal it. :)

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  32. I am dreading my two year old and my 6 month old growing up into big boys. I try to relax and enjoy every moment with them as babies, time sure does fly by.

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  33. Hi

    I found your blog the other day and love it. As a mother to two babies 2 and 3 months, I totally can relate and laugh at all you are saying! Love it!

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  34. With all the back to school schedules it was nice to read this and remember that it is okay to stop and just live in the moment cause the moment will pass too soon. Thank you so much for sharing!!

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  35. Whew! I have never commented here before...but after a post like that I need to! That was beautiful! I have two eight month old twin boys sound asleep in their cribs tonight...and I just want to go now and watch them sleep. Thank you for that! Awesome to hold on to in those moments where you wish a day would just end!

    Beth

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  36. For a mom-to-be, priceless! Thanks for sharing. I will be sure to look at this every once in a while when I am lost in my world of trying to be the perfect mother.
    Kathy

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  37. For a mom-to-be, like myself, priceless!!! Thanks for sharing!!

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