From: "Beth" (who is pregnant with first baby)
To: "Jane" (who is pregnant with second baby)
cc: McMommy
Thank you, we are so relieved that everything is going well and we’ve made it half way! So how are you feeling, Jane? I can’t wait to come see you at the hospital next month and see a pro in action…so glad you're having your baby before me so I can watch and learn from one of the best!
*************
From: Jane
To: Beth
cc: McMommy
I don’t want to let you down but I am not a good example for you to try to emulate. I literally felt like I had been hit and then run over by an 18 wheeler after my last delivery and was not able to take a shower until the last day and my husband had to get in there and wash me. I kept my hospital gown on until the last day as well because just trying to imagine taking it off was beyond what my body was capable of doing. I am HOPING this time will be better but not counting my chickens before they hatch.
***********
From: McMommy
To: Beth
cc: Jane
And on the flip side……I was the one ordering grilled cheese sandwiches, fries, and apple juice about 20 minutes after pushing Carter out. I took a shower when I got to my post-partum room, donned my robe, applied some makeup and was ready to rock and roll. Well, except for my massacred nether regions. It wasn’t ready to rock or roll. It wanted ice packed in my mesh underwear.
p.s. Jane, we didn’t fill Beth in on the mesh underwear. We’ll have to tell you all about that too, Beth, the next time we see you so you are prepared.
***********
From: Jane
To: McMommy; Beth
The mesh underwear to go along with the most enormous pads you’ve ever seen…as in you didn’t think anything that thick and long and wide was even manufactured and it must take 100 million years to break down in a land fill.
***************
From: McMommy
To: Beth
cc: Jane
Also? If you give birth vaginally…..there is something they give you called a “peri bottle”. OMG. You will want to MARRY THIS THING!!! It is the best relief ever. Because did you know they make you PEE before you can go to your post partum room??? And you will want to die and tell them “ARE YOU FLIPPIN' CRAZY?!?!?! I NEVER WANT ANYTHING TO COME OUT DOWN THERE AGAIN!!!” But the nurse will just roll her eyes at you and say “Up we go, missy. To the bathroom.” And as you sit there about to pee for the first time ever, you will pray “Please God let everything still be intact down there. Please God let everything still be working down there…..please God….”
******************
From: Jane
To: Beth
cc: McMommy
Aren’t you getting psyched for the delivery now, Beth!!!!!!
********************
From: Beth
To: Jane; McMommy
OMG…I will never sleep again!!!!!
Mesh panties…what in the hell are those? Giant pads and peri bottles???
I need a drink!!!!!
******************
From: McMommy
To: Beth
cc: Jane
Just think....In a few months, you will have your own L&D story to horrify a newly preggo with!
48 Comments!:
Ah yes....the 4 ft. long postpartum pads. The memories....
It's right up there with the first few times you stand up & blood runs down your leg. Lovely...
Did you forget about the fist time you have to do more than pee and you've been stitched due to your child tearing his way out? OMG! I am laughing with tears running down my face! So funny!
Umm... this is better than birth control! Actually, they should tell these stories when they give you birth control & be like "DON'T forget to take your pills, or this will happen to you!" Thanks for giving me something to look forward to, I can't wait to have kids now! ha
Also the joy of milk pouring out of your breasts a few days after delivery as you're trying to dry off from the shower...you can't get dry until you dry your top half, put on your bra, then work on the lower half...make sure you're standing on an old, trashy towel for the blood & milk!! Thank God for girlfriends who share, b/c even my mom & sisters who had had babies didn't remember everything, & my being a nurse in L&D was not enough to know all the post-partum stuff!! Best wishes!
That is soooo funny and sadly true. It's amazing that there aren't a bunch of only children in the world :)
That is hilarious! Thinking I should be glad I had 2 c-sections!
What the heck are mesh panties?
Yes, the peri bottle was the best thing ever. Squirt, squirt... ahhh...
I was shocked and horrified by the size of those pad. WTF?
I had my make-up on before my parents came in the room to see Christos. I think I might have even applied lipgloss with my last push. ;)
I do remember my sister singing "Push It" by Salt-N-Peppa as I was, um, pushing. And I was laughing. It was more fun than getting a brazilian. Thanks, epidural!
I had chicken fingers and fries after I gave birth to Christos, and I had fettuccini alfredo (both were delivered to me) after I gave birth to Dimitry.
Mmmm... fettuccini...
Um...I'm thinking I may just need to adopt after hearing all that:)
Thanks for this...really. (insert sarcasm)
My vagina just called and told me it on strike with the baby making!
LOL..this is hilarious! I had 2 C-sections and I thought it was funny how all the vaginal delivery moms were walking to the nursery all squatted down and all the C-section moms were all bent over.
Oh and the pads...who can forget the pads...
Hilarious. I wish I'd had someone to be honest with me about what was to come. Unfortunately I was one of the first of my friends to have a baby. So now I tell them what they're in for. The peeing after giving birth is the worst. Ouch!
*horrified* Mc, I had totally forgotten about all these things. Thank God this womb is currently closed for business.
Don't forget that the first time you poop afterward it will feel like all your insides are going to go with it.
And to think.. I'll be doing this all over again x2 in as little as 10 days and Baby B is breech!
Don't forget to tell her how absolutely wonderful those first few days (months) of breastfeeding are (not).
you're like the best friend ever telling (read: warning) your friend about all of this. my friends didn't tell me ANYTHING. by the way, you forgot to mention the hemmoroids, those are awesome too.
Wait a minute McMommy, they made you pee before they would move you? I didn't have to do that. Lets see now my first I delivered in the same room I slept in. They did make me get up out of bed (after 2 shots of Demerol mind you because my 8 pound 12 ounce baby tore the hell out of me and I needed lots of stitches which the jerk doctor had to keep telling me to stay still for). Uhhh, yeah I could feel it. The Demerol didn't hit me until they got me out of bed. I passed out right onto the bed. My second I had in a different hospital where they had separate deliver rooms. They did not make me pee first though. Although, after her (all 8 pounds 15 ounces of her) I truly felt like I could run a marathon. My third doesn't count because he was breech and came out via c-section.
All I can say is thankfully they did not make me stay in the hospital after my first until I had a bowel movement. My mom couldn't leave after having my brother until having a bowel movement. That definitely had to be the worst though when I finally did go. 1st and 3rd killed me. Sneezing hurt too. Way worse with number 3 due to the c-section though.
So, so true!
Although I can't decide if it's a good thing that you warned her or not.... ; )
My best friend after the peri bottle was the do-nut!
you guys are hy-freakin-sterical. I dying... On the upside, our hospital gave you this gigantic water bottle that for some magical reason made plain tap water taste remarkable.
And dont forget the perki's (percosets) you go home with - I wish I did a better job rationing them out for year three! (joking of course) I think it would have made those nasty tantrums and whining sessions a little more bearable. I guess that's what wine is for...
hmmm and I thought I was ready for #3 :)
Oh yes! My labor and delivery was much better than expected but all the fun, disgusting things no one tells you about.
Haha! Thanks for the laugh!
OMG that is all so true!!! Those are the things I'm NOT looking forward to this time around...especially the first pee after the baby is born..someone shoot me know!!!
That's so mean, to scare her like that! Because man, the reality of labor is freaking scary. I don't even want to talk about it, and I've had two kids (and I'm probably done.)
lmao oh memories!
Oh how lovely you were telling your friend the brash truth. I LOVE IT! I do the same thing, no sugar and honey stories over here.
My favorite is when they tell you you have to get up, and you give them the look of death. I had a nurse laugh at me, not a good time. Oh, and those cervix checks are no walk in the park afterwards either.
I didn't get out of my hospital gown either, no way was that happening. I did eat right away though, mmmm...chinese food.
Oh the wonders of mesh underwear and hospital pads.
Clearly never had a kid, but I got those suckers after my surgery...and you know what?
I'm not ashamed to admit that mesh underwear is insanely comfortable.
Oh the wonders of mesh underwear and hospital pads.
Clearly never had a kid, but I got those suckers after my surgery...and you know what?
I'm not ashamed to admit that mesh underwear is insanely comfortable.
I hated the mesh undies for child #1, so I refused them for child #2. By the time you put the HUGE pad in it with the ice pack and creams, it makes it so heavy that the undies fall to your knees. For child #2, I brought my own big grandma undies that were nice and tight.
Had a 3rd degree tear with child #1and I remember holding my poop for days because the thought of using the bathroom made me cry. Oh the pain!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Child #2 totally different story. I felt like a million bucks after his birth.
This is hilarious!!!!!
AHAHAHAHAHA.... Oh, that's funny.
You forgot to mention the first time the hubs wants to have sex AFTER.
I totally agree with you and Jane; it is far too much to mention the little bit of stitch witchery that might go on down there before the whole peri-bottle-did-you-make-pee-pee trial. Don't tell Beth about that part. She might never go into labor after that.
Oh hilarious.
I'm so glad that the hospital I gave birth at had all the parts of L&D take place in one room. So I didn't have to do the pee thing. I pushed her out (14 minutes, baby!) and cuddled with her while they wiped her off and stitched me up. They didn't make me stand until I had eaten something, drank some water (after 7 months of not being able to drink plain water because it made me vomit, it was ambrosia) and snuggled.
The peri bottle is amazing....also the spray bottle of skin numbing thing they gave me. I didn't have any drugs or an ice pack or anything, cuz I felt fine, but trying to get the right position so I didn't tug the stitches was interesting....
Yeah...giving birth pretty much sucks.
Better to just go ahead and lay all those nasty truths out on the table.
Wow.. I think if I had had as good a friend as you, I would have been much more scared about labor. But you are so right... oh how I loved those mesh panties, peri bottles, and ice packs. ANd oh how I remember the fear of peeing. And looking up at the nurse, saying I gotta pee but I don't think I can, I am scared. And also every last minute ounce of dignity is now gone as I lean on you perfect stranger to help me go potty.
And to Lisa... you are so right... it took me days to do more than pee and I can remember being so so so scared b/c of the stitches.
yeah... after reading this and the comments.. I felt a few of my eggs shrivel up and die. I can hear my clock ticking.. but the thought of child birth scares the *&^% of out me!
I got ripped off...mesh underwear?
No one gave me any mesh undies.
I gave birth during a heat wave and lemme tell ya...nothin better than stuffing your hoo-ha region with mounds of absorbant packing and plastic when your hot enough to self combust.
And where were my drugs? I read about women geeting cool drugs.. I got advil. With a c-section.
Ya, I got ripped off.
This is so funny! Don't forget your husband's look as they are sewing you up...classic! Thankfully they still love us!
This is so funny. I'll never forget the first time I went to the bathroom to pee...and after I went home, I was so constipated that the first time I went, I thought I was back in labor! Don't forget about your husband's look as they are trying to sew you up down there, classic.
This is hilarious. The best advice someone gave me was "use all the ice packs and take home all the stuff." Dermoplast is fantastic. I remember making sure they would let me go to the bathroom as soon as I could stand to get the IV removed asap!
honest to God, I kept reading "massacred nether regions" as 'mascara-d nether regions" and I was all "why is she putting mascara down there?"
anyway. I loved the mesh panties. Loved them. Wish I could buy all my underwear in mesh.
Thanks to the doctor who invented the C-section!
And to think that with the next one I would try and to it vaginally. I stick with the operating table.
I honestly think (for some. and I would be that some) they are easier to deal with. And no Peri-any problems! Yay for that!
I just remembered another big one! Nothin' like pooping on the table while you push. Oh yeah...there's something special about the doc, nurse, husband, nursery nurse, janitor & whoever the heck else walked through seeing that. :)
Those mesh panties are AWESOME!! Thanks for the laugh!
How bout waking up at 2AM to the sound of a screaming newborn and realize you are soaking wet.
Why are you soaking wet? Because you are sweating like a man who just ran a marathon and have milk puddling under each armpit. SO glamorous!
Memories memories....mesh underwear and gigantic pads. I swore I never wanted to go to the bathroom again after giving birth. Labor itself wasnt' so bad; the thought of stitches still makes me cringe!! :)
I'm ready to do it agin!! My first born will be 2 in August. Trying to talk the hubby into trying for #2.
you definitely need to teach child birth classes...
or maybe birth control for teens LOL!
Funny post. I don't know why i did not see it on my reader...glad i didn't miss it!
What about how you have the baby and still have a giant boob as your belly? And when you're sitting, it feels like oatmeal?
I was going to comment again today but I'm pg with no. 3 and this had me in tears -- not sure if they were from laughter or the horror of realizing I'm going to do this all again!
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