So I guess this post is inspired by my recent winnings on Hot Wheel Hacienda's blog.
My winning caption read: "The Head Butting Phase--Number 143 on the Secret List of What People DON'T tell you about raising kids"
And I started thinking....hmm...what are some other things on the Secret List?
- You will begin to despise birthday parties. Noooo..not YOUR little precious angel's birthday parties......but the 364 other ones that your precious angel will be invited to.
- You will have a mild heart attack when you realize you have to change your incredibly squirmy child's dirty diaper in an incredibly small airplane restroom....and then find out the changing table folds out OVER THE TOILET?!! Who invented this??!! Not a germophobe mother, that's for sure!
- You will easily spend 4 hours just trying to dismantle a toy from its box. No lie...they BOLT the toys in sometimes.
- You will spend an insane amount of money on batteries. And you can always guarantee that--despite spending insane amounts of money on batteries-- you will always be out of whatever size battery the toy requires.
And now....I want you to leave a comment and help me add to it: The Secret List of Things People Don't Tell You About Raising Children!
I can't wait to read your additions to the list!
49 Comments!:
I have just one question
What are we supposed to do with all the "mothers day gifts" that we get, because I have a box full!
All children drink or eat from the pet bowls at some point. It's nothing to worry about.
Being all precocious about potty training just leads to a whole lot of disgusting pairs of "big boy pants" that have to be washed out somehow or thrown away. If you have the last kid in class to be potty trained, you will only have to clean out one pair of gross underpants for every five pairs the keener mamas cleaned out. Who's the biggest loser now?
An incredibly high fever (104-105) with incredible grumpiness and no other symptoms, except that when the fever finally breaks, the child is immediately covered in head-to-toe rash = Roseola. And when you ask your doctor what Roseola is, she will tell you "an incredibly high fever with no other symptoms except that when the fever ends, the child breaks out into a rash." Helpful.
Okay, that wasn't too bad...except that changing the poopy baby over a toilet. I mean I get that poopy babies happen...thankfully I have yet to experience full-poop all over baby that seems to happen... that I am scared of.
Your two year olds will go through a licking phase. Like today in the orthodontist office. My baby was "pretending" to eat all the legos that have been touched by a zillion germy-ass hands and had to LICK the legos.
We sat in the car waiting for sister the rest of the appointment.
Your husband REALLY DOES count as one of your children!!!
This should be rule #1!!!
Okay, Mommytime's poop pants kinda freak me out...as does the licking phase...
There is a story about my brother's friend that was over licking a toilet when he was 2....
that haunts me.
Rash baby: scarey too
Today I learned...
Despite the fact that my baby weighs less than 7lbs it is in fact possible to bulb twice that amount of snot out of her nose.
I just did the same post! Oops! Though it IS in your honor (I even say so on the post), inspired by your photo caption contest win.
That I would drink toilet water.
1.) Your baby's fart is not quieter than your husbands'. They sound the same. I know it doesn't seem possible, but it is. Scientists are still trying to figure it out.
2.) Have you ever seen bus drivers wave it at other bus drivers? They don't really know each other, but it's like they're saying, "Hey man, I feel your pain..." We have that with other Moms. It's called 'Momdom.' All you have to do is nod at the other lady with kids in the grocery cart. She feels your pain.
3.) You absolutely WILL be embarassed by your children. It's not IF. It's WHEN. Just pray that it doesn't happen when they're on stage with a microphone.
4.) If your relationship with your Mother in law is good before you have kids, run as far away from her as possible when you do. Things are going down faster than a homesick gopher.
5.) Your abs will never be the same. You'll blame your child, at some point or another, just don't say it outloud. They won't understand.
You will have to WIPE YOUR CHILD'S BEHIND when they start learning to use the toilet. They tell you all about the diapers and stuff but no one ever told me this! I have never touched so many other people's behinds in my LIFE! And the "point of view" is just nauseating. Wiping someone else's poop out of their bottom is just NOT something I imagined myself doing!!
oh how i love this list. i mentally add to it everyday!
but currently my mind is blank.
can i get back to you?
I love this caption - i wish head butting was just a phase with my boys.
Legos today provide just as much frustration as joy - those cool lego sets you buy only stay together for a few brief hours if you dare touch it, you'll never get it back together again because when they break it is like a mini mine was dropped on it.
You will repeat theses words several times and for several years:
1. Do not drink the bath water.
2. Get your finger out of there.
3. That is a private area, do not touch anyone else's, and do not touch your own unless you are in private.
4. Why are you screaming?
5. I don't care what ______'s mom lets him do.
6. I know I am the meanest mom, I went to meanest mommy school.
7. Lift the seat!
8. Watch your aim!
9. Put down the seat.
10. Flush the toliet.
11. Wash your hands!
12. Get down from there.
13. Crayons / marker / pen belong on paper not walls, fireplace/ brother, etc.
14. How can you lose your shoes?
15. It is my job to ruin your life.
16. Oh, be careful!
17. You may not hit your brother.
18. Did you just fart?
19. Please get mommy a wine glass.
AND of course,
20. I love you!
You will be forced to stop what you are doing to put on Baby Einstein, Dora or some other such nonsense, then inevitably be left behind watching by yourself on the couch when your child gets up and walks away five minutes later.
I didn't realize I'd have to visit every bathroom at every restaurant that we go to right at the time our food is to be delivered.....my daughter's nosey.
LOL! I keep nodding my head in agreement with most of these (still yet to get to some of these phases). The one I'm learning is that things that used to gross me out don't even make me bat an eye anymore. Like my kid peeing in the bathtub. I just rinse him off with clean water before we get out and he's good to go. It's mostly water anyway and it's completely sterile so...yeah. gross.
The five second rule quickly turns into "how long has that been on the floor/in the car/diaper bag? Eh. It won't kill him."
You will be able to translate toddler language when everyone else looks at your child like he is speaking a foreign language knowing that "Mow mow mow" in a high pitched voice means, "Milk".
I have more but my kid needs "mow mow mow."
No one ever told me about the sleep deprevation. I mean they told me...but they didn't tell me it could go on for years. I am on year 12... I am still waiting for sleep!
Noone ever told me that one day you may consider "divorcing" your children. I said consider.
I never knew it was possible to love someone so small...so deeply.
You will find yourself humming Sesame Street songs even when you are alone.
When your kid says "Fu**" for the first time, you will laugh. Come on, it IS a little funny.
I wish someone would have told me that life as a stay at home mom meant that you will spend the majority of your day preparing food, cleaning up food, wiping faces and butts and then starting all over again.
I also wish they would have told me how fast the baby and toddler years go by. At the time it seemed like everyday was an eternity, but now I can't figure out where the past 8 years have gone so fast.
Even though you've heard it a thousand times, hearing your 3 year-old say "Mommy, I love you" will still melt your heart.
ALWAYS have the diaper bag. Not having it is a guarantee you'll get a poop explosion that you can't clean up.
You may as well serve their food on the floor, because it will end up there, and before you can get it cleaned up your baby will be eating it as if it tastes better with the floor germs.
Get ready for the full on puke, caught in your hands reflex.
To add to the wiping butt one...you will have to remind your 7 and 9 year old that skids are not COOL to have in your undies...remember that thing called WIPING?? Gross I know, but true!
This is so true X 10!
I just spent forever trying to get a toy train (and I mean one designed for a 9 month old) out of its box! It had tape, ties, tabs, cardboard, plastic. What the heck???
I'm so digging the comments you are getting on this!!!
Maybe I am just tired, but the thing I don't think I would have ever thought is, that you will never have it mastered.
I mean, I got really good at teaching 11th grade. I knew the material, knew how the kids would act etc.
Except when they are your own, they keep changing/growing up/trying new things. How am I ever going to figure this out? And then when you are creeping really close to "getting it" with number one, you have a second child with a whole new "recipe".
Motherhood- the fabulous, ever evolving, life long, job. Sounds like a blog post title to me......
Glad to be back, and thanks for my welcome! :)
Hop over to see our vacation pics and vote on your favorite! And no swimsuits shots this time for yours truly. I learned my lesson! :)
I HATE birthday parties... EVEN my own kids' parties!
You won't always like your kids...yes, you will still love them to peices but there will be moments you don't like them!
Just when you think your past the sleep deprivation stage of little ones you will move on to the next stage of them being teenagers and you won't sleep until their home in bed.
That young girls grow telephones to their ears and you will wonder how they can possible have anything to talk to about for that long.
Clothes...clean and dirty..dirty dishes...all their belongings, will look like a tornado touched down in their rooms and they will think it is perfectly fine.
Teenage boys...young men can really stink...even if they shower every day!
That teenage boys can be just as moody as girls.
That once they start caring about their appearance your bathrooms will never be the same and you really will wonder what they possible could be doing in "there" all that time.
You will run out of hot water often...especially when it's your turn to shower!
There will be days that no matter what you say, "it" will be the wrong thing and that just looking at them in the wrong way can be upseting to them.
You will be trying to help them with school projects or homework that you will be clueless about.
Your kids will think that you are "dumb" or don't know anything..they don't say it in those words but they have their ways of expressing that.
You will wonder how this child with this insane behavior came out of your body.
Just when they start acting normal and you like each other again, they graduate and leave home!
No one ever warned me that other moms (never me) would treat parenting as a competitive sport. ie - My Jimmy rolled over three days after he got home from the hospital. Yours still aren't rolling over? Oh.
I was told often enough to enjoy it because it would go too fast. I never imagined it would go this fast.
What a great list. I hope your organize it... I would love to read it.
1. Sleep is so over rated
ok... Ive got nothing. I barely slept last night. Ill be back. ;)
That you can think yourself sophisticated and a bit classy before kids and then think it's cute when your little guys fart. Or touch their junk. Or poop on the floor and announce it.
That sometimes infants get constipated. And when they can't poop for days, you have to insert a Q-tip covered in Vaseline and literally PULL the poop out. No one told me this part. YECH.
I DID wear disposable surgical gloves, btw.
Having your preschooler in the restroom screaming "I'm done". If you have a preschooler - you, unfortunately learn to hate those words.
That taking a shower, without anyone peeking their head in to see "what's goin' on, mama?" will be a luxury.
Okay, fine. That taking a shower period, will become a luxury.
That you will grow an internal timer - when it goes off, you'll know it has been quiet for TOO long.
-Andrea
Also: that you might as well practice, as soon as you know you are pregnant, peeing while holding a wiggling puppy on your lap -- because you will not be in the bathroom alone again for at least a half dozen years or so, and for many of those years, someone will be snuggling on your lap while you do your business.
I could never have imagined how big of a role boogars would play in my life. Yep, boogars. It seems like at certain times of the year they are always on or around me. No one tells you that for sure...
When you have a 7 month old you will get soaking wet at every bath time. My baby girl splashes like a maniac.
Mommypie...you win! That I did not know and did not want to!
That they will repeat back the one thing you didn't know they heard in front of the one person YOU didn't want to hear it.
Me & my big mouth....LOL
Hilarious!
Play Doh is no fun unless it has dog hair in it. Rolled directly from the dog's back.
You will find yourself repeating the things your Mom said to you that you swore you would never say, and you won't feel the least bit guilty about it because now you actually get where she was coming from.
You shouldn't give a week old baby vitamin drops and then put her (or him- but I'm just going to go with her for practicality) on her back immediately after. If you do make this mistake try not to panic when your precious little baby's eyes roll back in her head, her face turns funny colors, and she starts foaming at the mouth. Just grab a nasal aspirator and suck the liquid out of her mouth and she'll be fine. Feel free to cry for a few hours afterwards.
Boys will play with their pee-pees CONSTANTLY! No amount of distraction will work.
Breastfeeding hurts...at first. And it's a lot of work. But it is also a wonderful bonding time with the little one.
That all sense of civility and logic that you have WORKED to get into your boys head is GONE the SECOND they are around their friends!
You will repeat yourself on average 200xs a day.
You will repeat yourself on average 200xs a day.
You will repeat yourself on average 200xs a day.
Nonna has 3 poopy rememberances. You only think you are finished when your children are past that stage. The first time #1 gandson arrived via airplane he was truly covered tows to neck in poop. Better than cleaning up on the plane but the airpot sinks are not much better. Same grandson, second memorable poop. He was desperate to go at age 2. I managed to get him to a gas staion restroom, pulled sown the pants but in lifting him to the pot my hand slipped and I caught the poop in my hand. There must be a message here, same grandson, another emergency at age 5. We are on a deserted stretch of highway and I kow there is no rest area for miles. I pull over, help him out of the car and he poops. The only problem is that he is devasted that I am planning to leave it there on the side of the road. Nonna prevails and we drive on. Now he is 7. I am hopeful that we can move on to better memories.
No one ever tells you how when you become a mom you will get so excited over a little one's bodily functions.
For example: Your baby pooped three times today! Your toddler did his big boy business in the potty instead of all over the floor! Yaaaaayyyy! Throw a party!
Also, no one tells you that you will have this overwhelming urge to tell EVERYONE around you all the details about said business in the bathroom.
Oh no one ever tells you how much unwanted advice you will be subjected to once you become a parent...usually given by those who do not have children themselves!
They forget to tell you that you will be reduced to a blathering idiot when left alone for the day with three children under the age of five. "Mama has to go pee-pee." (said to your husband when he gets home)
Oh yeah, that you will forget how to speak in first person rather than third.
You will lose all "me,my and I" language in an effort to teach your child to say "mama" sooner than they say "daddy"...hahaha! (Which doesn't work by the way)
No one told me that the word Mama is not synonymous with slave labor. Seriously, who would do all that we do in a day FOR NO PAY???
That being a mama is the most rewarding and (at times) frustrating job you will EVER have!
Oops, I meant "IS synonymous with slave labor" must be the sleep deprivation...
sorry mcmommy...just saw this part.
no one told me i would no longer ONLY use my tweezers for plucking my eyebrows. last night they were used in an attempt to retrieve a pea from my oldest's nose. NOT KIDDING!
Phrases most often heard in my home:
Me:
"Where are your pants?????"
"Please, don't squish your brother."
"I don't know where you put your _______"
"It's quiet time now."
My three year old daughter:
"I don't need pants."
"He likes it."
"Mommy!! Where's my _______?"
"Why?"
I'm sure no explanation required. It's the best job on earth :)
No matter how "normal" your darling offspring might be, you could end up cleaning poop off a wall. Poop that was smeared there by your artistic or angry child, take your pick on the adjective you'd like to apply.
I have, regrettably, done this twice. Once for an angry child and once for a curious one.... It was equally repulsive both times.
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